You knew Me All Along
J Ann Crowder
You knew me all along
I used to think you didn’t
I used to believe you couldn’t see me
But I was wrong all along
Because you could see more in me than what I could see in myself
Then you couldn’t help but turn away, all these years, from my light
It stung you so!
Deeply!
To see me so vividly & so clearly
You couldn’t look at me in all the ways you should have
So instead of delighting in me, you began to drown all the best parts of me I never knew existed until now
It gave you pleasure because you weren’t allowed to shine either
They drowned you, too!
It was a harrowing round, but when the hurt, hurt so as to take away their own loss, it feels artificially satisfying for a time
But now I realize the void is still there, lurking in the shadows of the soul
Your void became my void at last
We can break it down, but only if we are brave
Am I brave?
You weren’t brave for me, I now see!
Am I brave for mine? It’s the responsible question to ask
Can I really change this unfortunate merry-go-round of souls sunken within their own depths of pride & darkened, wide hollowed holes of loneliness?
It leaves such a gaping void not many know unless they know it like the backs of their tired hands
If you know it, you can stare into it’s ugly eyes long enough to see it, and crush it little by little
It’s the only way we can truly be brave
I see it now!
I remember my first step in becoming brave was when I vowed to love mine like I wanted to be loved
But most of all, I knew to step off the merry-go-round of hurt giving hurt, giving hurt
I did!
I was brave
Healing the bruises afterwards takes time I’m learning
But i’m braving this journey everyday now
This because I chose to be brave when you couldn’t
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