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Jenna Matchem


I am most beautiful where it matters most
On the inside
If you don’t want that in your life
Why should I waste my precious tears over you?
I loved life before you
And I will continue to live it after you are long gone
Because one person can’t change me
I won’t let anyone do that
I am too strong and independent
Women need to learn to survive without the companionship of a man
And I think I am learning to
You think you can take what you want from me?
Not anymore
I am taking a stand for what I believe
Everybody is beautiful
And me?
I am just as wonderful as you

Where were you.
In my darkest days.
When I thought nothing was ok.
Going through the motions,
Living day to day was a struggle.
I didn’t feel like I belonged.
The sore thumb that stuck out,
Amongst the rest of humanity.
I was the one that was different.
I was the one who was lonely.
Until one drunken night when I met you.
My knight in shining armour.
You helped me regain the sense of who I was.
Of who I am.
And aided me in becoming who I will be.
I thank you.
As a friendship turned into something more I realized,
I loved you.
Saying nothing about it until I knew you were ready.
But you already knew.
When I told you “I’m crazy about you” for the first time,
I was telling you I loved you.
We may be young, But I’m starting to think that he might be The One.
That you might be The One.

Would you look at her
Such beauty hidden inside
But nobody wants to look at her
Not when you have this one just beside
You see this one wears makeup
And has all the skimpy clothes
But she has this inner beauty
You just have to see her glow
Because, you see, she doesn’t wear makeup
And all these skimpy clothes
She holds herself with dignity
And waits for the right one to show
Her beauty may be hidden
You need only give her time
For once she befriends you
You will wish to call her “mine”
The woman you see before you
May have made many mistakes
No longer will she be shadowed
By that other girls useless hate

All you need is a spark
And then the flame ignites
Somedays it’s almost dead
Somedays it’s burning bright
In order to feed the flame
All it takes is time
Time is ticking away
How I wish you were mine
Now the flame is flickering out
And I don’t know what to do
What happens when the flame is gone
And I no longer have you
What will I do on those cold winter nights
With no flame beside me
And no spark to ignite

Death and decay follow me,
Like a shadow I cannot escape.
I hear the screams of the fallen,
In my dreams,
How I wish I could wake.
The scenes flash through my minds eye,
It’s a movie of horror and hate.
And as I crawl over the bloodstained corpses,
It’s as though I am being raped.
I never really wanted this,
This blood all on my hands.
No matter how much water I use,
There is no getting away
From these gore-caked lands.
Death and decay follow me,
With only one way to escape.
I hear the screams of the fallen,
Only in life,
How I wish I could wake.

You were the first person who held me.
You woke up in the night when I was hungry.
You let me share your bed when I had a bad dream.
You were by mommy’s side.
You made me sick soup when I wasn’t feeling well.
You shared the couch so I could watch NASCAR with you.
You were so excited to see me.
You played with me when I was bored.
You shared your wrestling dudes even when you didn’t want too.
But then something went wrong.
Daddy was leaving.
Mommy why is daddy leaving?
Mommy what’s the matter with brother?
Mommy I need help.
Can’t you see me?
Can’t your hear me!
Daddy where did you go?!
Daddy... why did you go.
Daddy I’m scared.
You were there for me.
You comforted me when nobody else would.
You became my best friend.
We would have sleepovers.
Every night.
We went everywhere together.
Meanwhile mommy was helping brother with some problems that I had only just begun to realize that I had too.
Became my outlet.
Became my excuse.
My stairway to heaven was spiraling downward toward something I didn’t even know was possible.
I was lost.
Mommy and daddy were supposed to be together forever.
Forever isn’t as long as I thought.
It wasn’t “until death do us part”, but “until we don’t want to try anymore”.
Mommy tried her best but her best wasn’t enough.
Not for me.
You see sister learned fast.
Keep your troubles to yourself and don’t bother mommy or brother because they were too busy and daddy was gone.
Sister tried to pretend that everything was just fine but when you shake a can of soda long enough eventually it explodes everywhere and then your left to clean up the mess.
My life became the story of Humpty Dumpty except I didn’t have the kings horsemen or any of the kings men to help put me back together.
When I fell so far that I broke I was left alone to pick up the pieces of myself that had scattered like crumbs all over the carpet.
Your best wasn’t enough but at least you tried.
You left me in person but never in my heart.
We shared our problems and fought them together.
You are no longer my friend.
I can finally say that we can move forward, maybe a little scattered, broken and bruised, but we can do it.

Played like a fool
I turned a blind eye
Blocked by my affection
I didn’t see the lie
But as we all know
Your actions show your true self
Saved for the physical
And nothing else
You tell me your like me?
I’ll believe it when I see it
No more pretending
I’m done with this secret

What once was mine,
And completely whole.
Now wanders away,
Devastatingly alone.
But t creeps back,
From time to time.
And only in dreams,
Is it easy to find.
I may not be normal,
Bus sometimes I see.
Even through I lost my sanity,
Insanity fits me.


Continuing to play
Not knowing the game
Lost souls withering away
Causing nothing but pain
Pretending to want me
When hiding inside
The truth lay hidden
Under all your lies
Continuing to play
Understanding the game
Souls lost no more
Nothing to lose
Everything to gain

Sometimes I think to myself:
What is wrong with me?
Then I reiterate and ask:
What is wrong with the world?
When I was young I was considered the freak
The odd one
The one who didn’t quite fit
I was like that pair of crocs that everybody loved
To hate
I was just sitting on my friend at lunch one day
When one of the boys in my class decided it would be fun to call me a lesbian
At the time being bi sexual was something that I didn’t know even existed
At the time I cared about what people thought of me
The grade 8’s that were 2 years older than me thought it would be fun to torment me as well
I sat in my gym class on the stage curled into a ball holding back tears
When my teacher came to ask what was wrong
I told her that I was fine, just a little upset and she walked away
I spent that year hiding from the students in my school
Being terrified that someone would make fun of me some more
Sometimes I think to myself:
What did I do to be such a freak?
Then I reiterate and ask:
Why is the world not as accepting of others as I am?
I was in my teens when things became too much for me
I was having anger issues
Blowing up at the smallest things because I couldn’t handle them
I turned to drinking
And drugs
To make me feel happy
Because when you have people wanting to party with you
To drink with you
To smoke with you
And having all these people want to be sexual with you
It makes you feel wanted
Then you realize that it isn’t you they want
But your body
That’s when I changed
I stopped drinking in the morning before going to school
I stopped skipping my English class to get high
I stopped having pointless sex with these guys that don’t respect me as a woman
Let alone as a human
Sometimes I ask myself:
Why is it so hard to be a woman?
Then I reiterate as ask:
Why is it so hard to be human?
 I was engaged when I was 17
It lasted all of 4 months
I was heading back into something that I vowed to stay away from
And then I realized
I am wonderful
I don’t need a man to make me happy
I don’t need anyone to make me feel loved
Because the only love that really matters to me is my own
Yes I like the feeling of having someone to love you and care for you
Yes I miss having someone that I can call mine
But do I want to have to rely on something that was not as fulfilling as everyone claimed?
I have been single for over a year
I have made mistakes and I have done things that I wish I hadn’t
But I wouldn’t change anything
As a human we learn from our mistakes
And without mine I would not be this strong
Independent woman you see before you!
Sometimes I ask myself:
Why do I put myself through so much?
Then I reiterate and ask:
Why does everyone put themselves through so much?

You think I am strong butI’m not.
I’m just a broken scared girl trying to be tough in this big cruel world.
You tell me I’m this
And you tell me in that
But I know the difference
I just have to think back.
All of the times I’ve been used and abused
Have never prepared me for anyone like you
I know one day he will finally see
That all he is missing is the wonderful me.
But will he ever see
Or will he stay blind
He has his girl
When I’m left behind

Laying in my casket
Looking down from above
Watching all the people
With whom I shared my love
I never realized
Not to the fullest extent
How much my smile made an impact
My life was worth more than a dent
Thinking that everything
Was not worth the fight
I ended my life
That one fateful night
Laying in my casket
Looking down from above
My life was meant for more than this
If only there was somebody to love
To share with me
The eternal bond
But alas the time for wishing
Is ultimately long gone