I can’t even begin to tell
how you might have reacted
to the letter I sent.
It was not intended to be hurtful,
it was intended to be a way
for me to get something difficult
out into the open;
to be able to start
and maintain a dialogue.
None of this is going to be easy,
but I am hoping that at some point
I will understand enough
to stop upsetting you,
and that I will no longer
be defensive about our interactions.
I believe that is the goal,
to have a healthy relationship,
built on trust and communication.
My actions for the past 15 years
have caused you pain, unfortunately
the rationale behind those actions
are probably going to cause more pain.
But I have never been at a place
where I have felt comfortable
to share anything with you.
My openness to share is volatile
and subject to change
based upon the slightest disturbance.
But I believe if I get enough out
and communicate correctly
I can create a space to move into
so that I might not be so quickly inclined
to remove myself from the conversation.
I don’t want this openness to stop,
but I can barely predict
my own reactions and responses;