She woke up with you in her bones, she felt you burning like smoke in the back of her throat, setting fire to every cell in her body.
I still feel you in my bones god damn it, I swear if you cut me open your blood would come streaming out my veins; your head on my chest, the sunlight resting
on your hands as they held mine, a moment I’ll remember forever.
The roads under your veins held steady trains that raced down my body and under my skin, into my soul where I’ll never forget, the way your breath tasted like honey and your hands felt like the closest thing to home I would ever know.
I’m running home to the same thing I’m running from, a fear of not finding what it is I’m looking for.
I went to church for the first time in 7 years last Sunday, I sat in the front row and wrote poetry on the backs of my hands as the priest read from a bible that I wondered to myself, how much he believed in.
God was always something that lived too far under my bones for me to recognize, I called out to him many times asking for an answer when the colors in my mind became unrecognizable,
When he, became unrecognizable.
Maybe he was always there.
Maybe God is the face in the painting that you stop to look at because you feel an emptiness in the pit of your stomach,
and for some reason you think that staring at a painting
of a girl who’s face is prettier than your own will make you feel whole again. Or maybe God is the feeling you get when you look out at the ocean, and just for a second, everything inside of you wakes up.
Or maybe God is the myth, that everyone talks about at 4 am before they fall asleep to the quiet of music and the blasting of each other’s heart beats.
I woke up with you sitting in my bones,
Inside of me is only pieces of you, there’s nothing left of me in there anymore.
I went to church for the first time in 7 years last Sunday.
I left my body at home with you sleeping inside of it, and I went off without you, searching for myself.
You told me that you knew me, that you could see inside of me, but now I know that could not be true,
for I have hidden myself away somewhere you cannot find me;
Somewhere not even I can find me.