biggest mistake of my life? probably. i will work through these problems of mine by myself. i just hope she can. if she cant she has Taryn. at least i finally have gotten the way her parents feel although i didn’t really appreciate being on speaker phone.  i am upset but i have always kind of been an emotional mess. I do not hate anybody but myself for the 3 years i have to wait. i truly brought it upon myself. i just put more on my mind but i am slightly relieved i am just worried about her. she has a temper that shouldn’t be messed with or things can get ugly. i decided not too argue i thought it would just make things worse. although i am at the bottom and i cant do anything for the next 3 years to change my placement. maybe next time i will think about my actions. but i hope they learn not now but over time how much i truly care for her. feelings do not change over night and these feelings will never change. maybe after a while i can get her off my mind for atleast a few minutes. but at the moment that is not happening. and just seeing her after break and making sure she is ok will make me happy even if it is just for a moment. she lightens my day by her voice and can make me happy on my most terrible day. she is the little spark in my eye and the moon to my stars. i really dont care how cheesy or ridiculous people think it is. and frankly i do not care who my love affects. i dont care if it changes the fucking tides. but will i raise hell? no. and i know for damn sure i will fuck up at least another 100  times these next 3 years. and you might or might not royally and truly hate me with a passion. but do i mind? no at all. i love her more than anything else in the world and i cant wait to show everybody that. i dont care who it affects.  I really dont. if i didn’t love her i wouldn’t still be here. if i didn’t wish to fix things i wouldn’t have called. if i didn’t care at all i wouldn’t be writing this. and do i care if anybody even ends up reading this? not at all. if you do end up reading it i am pretty sure you would know who it is pointing towards. if i had my laptop i probably not even be publishing this. but hey i probably wont talk to yo for the next 3 years so what the hell why not. she makes me happy. that will never change. i am sorry i have been such a pain in the ass lately. i always hated being a burden truthfully. i have always tried to be respectful but my actions dont always wish to be. so if i end up not seeing you in the next 3 years i will either be in jail or i will be dead. i have the tendency to have the urgency to want to check out a little early. she always helped me not want to and many other people. be proud of her. she is amazing.