My Strange Love
To Charl Aum
Strange Girl
The girl I thought I knew so well, has become a stranger before my very eyes
So distant, cold, unwilling, unresponsive, uncaring, and not interested, or connected at all
We once talked easily, we had so many things in common, and still do, and always will
But she no longer wants to talk to me, communicate, nor even be in my ugly presence
I wish we could be true friends for our children, share them together, like we used to do
We used to have so much excitement n fun, the four of us, I miss our laughter and smiles
Happy contented looks at each other, when our girls did something amusing or funny
And all the many joyful times we were together as a family, we often were all happy
Good times, golden moments, us together, us by the sea in the sun, abroad and at holm
And so now she wants to be with them without me, my presence an ugly unwanted intrusion
When I get the chance to see them, it’s just us three, them and me, I know we are happy
Yes when she gave birth to our beloved children, her feelings towards me swiftly changed
She no longer wanted me, liked, desired, nor needed me, an ugly irritant I soon became
Once we were so close, best best friends we were, when did it all turn to hate and anger?
She was a friend, I could tell her anything, and confide in her, all my deepest dark secrets
It was me and her in love, against the whole world, she was on my side, my one true friend
She was such fun, a good laugh, and spiritual, I really enjoyed her calm aura and good company
But after quite a while, clearly she didn’t enjoy mine, I became the focus for all her unhappiness
With her searing words, she made me feel really ugly, boring, not liked, nor needed, nor wanted
Though I can’t blame her for how I feel, as we create our own moods, happiness and reality
Just as it was wrong of her to blame me for her sadness, she made herself moody and sad
I just got the blame, it was me who was the cause, of everything wrong in her woe filled life
Her moods became more often, I lived with silent disapproval, often she was off with me
Her cold shoulder grew and grew colder, her sulking and non conversation became daily
I became an obtrusive irritant, my presence despised, not wanted, her resentment blossomed
She didn’t want me there, yet when I was ill and not present, she took umbrage, holding it against me
It was her opinion that I never did anything for the kids, practically useless, oh was I such a bad dad?
Never did I ever fetch them food n drinks? Picked ‘em up and tickled them, and read them stories?
Never ever bathed them when they were babes? Changed their nappies? Or had fun with them?
She never noticed any of the things I did, nor appreciated my acts of kindness, but just grew cold
And made me the focus of all that was wrong in her life, it was me, not her, all my flaws not hers
Yet she never truly did accept me for me, although I accepted all her many quirks and oddness
She always wanted to change me, never happy with my care-free personality, or with who I was
And upon me ultimatums she placed, it was her will against mine, she always wanted it her way
Often cross, yes, she always seemed pissed off with me, yet it was something deep inside of her
Now without me she often still seems so sad, and walks with her head bent, in her own world
I know I was never good enough for her, she wasn’t ever happy with who I was, maybe coz i wasn’t
Her mean low down ugly cheating oppressive ex-boyfriend, was it he who she truly did desire?
Even though he cheated on her, and left her in debt far from home, and didn’t treat her right
Told her what to do, ordered her what to wear, how to cut her hair, and to whom she could speak
I didn’t treat her like that, just nourished and encouraged her, and gave her love n confidence
Though I always treated her with respect, kindness, patience, generosity and understanding
She always had a spark of anger towards my very being, and often seemed peeved off with me
Everything what I did was never good enough, nor did she appreciate any of my good qualities
We didn’t shout or argue, maybe that was the problem, I never hit her, stole or ponced off her
Never cheated, chased whores, gambled, snort loads of drugs, nor mistreated her daughters
So if she can’t love me, because I am a good father, and am a kind person, and have compassion
Then I see that I was mistaken, I had blinkers on to who she was, overlooked all of her rudeness
It hurts she spat out that the sex had become boring, I knew it was, but that’s because of her, not me
She wouldn’t let me make wild passionate love to her, she wanted it the same old lovey-dovey way
But that wasn’t us, we were once passionate, we didn’t always kiss, often it was her who instigated it
It’s not my fault, she lost interest in sex, after having children, and it took hell of a lot to reeve her up
There are a thousand and one imaginative things she could have done to make it more interesting
She rejected my suggestions, and when I tried to talk about sex, she just crumpled up her nose
No blame of mine that she became like a granny, her wildness fizzled out, sexually unadventurous
Her libido shrank, mine didn’t, I know childbirth does this to some women, I patiently accepted this
But I wished she could have finished it when I asked her twice, if she maybe wanted it to be just platonic
I don’t know why she had to let it carry on like so, and finished it in such a mean short and abrupt way
Is it right that 15 years of love is over in as many minutes? with an unwillingness to talk about things?
And then to treat me in a mean rude way, like I am the biggest bastard in the whole wide world!!!
It is down to her if she wants to be mean spirited, closed, and not to share things with me anymore
It’s her loss, and I don’t believe her life will be better without me, but she gotta find out for her sen
And by the time she does, I won’t be there any more for her, coz i aint willing to put up with her shit
My patience, love, interest, desire, lust, passion, concern, care, stupidity or willingness is gone and dead
She was the one who left because of my migraines, and because I couldn’t walk far, suffering illness
But now I am much better, my mentality has changed, her negativity can no longer harm, or affect me
My whole life is ahead, mine to live how I please, not having to please someone else, and their moods
Not having to put up with someone not being happy with me, and what I am doing, often disapproving
Not loving, not being affectionate, nor supportive, having resentment, niggly and small, and uncaring
Now’s time to put the past in the past, and not to make the same mistake again, though I know not now
If I will ever love again, if I will ever have the strength, courage or stupidity, to fall in love once more
Life is short, let bygones be gone, have goodwill, empathy and compassion for all, even that strange girl!
