nervous energy spreads like an infection. cursing through every cell, pore, muscle, in every direction. i know this is not normal. my body is frozen in time. that was then and this is now. i can choose how i want this to go down. as i look around, i’m realising i don’t know how to sit still and be in the now.

sensations overwhelm me. i’ve never truly been at peace. like a thousand bees buzzing inside a box, that’s what i constantly feel inside my chest. the nonstop bouncing of my legs as i simply want to read. the erratic misfiring of my neurons have caused so much inner chaos. my brain struggles to acknowledge when i’m safe. it’s like i’m always stuck in fight/flight/freeze.

i’m contaminated by the past. like i’m stranding on a life raft in the vast blue ocean with no shore in sight. i want to be in the present, i want to catch the sunrise, i want to feel love and connection with people around me, i want to go for runs, i want to live, love and laugh.

maybe i still can. i can still do it all despite the heaviness of each fall. for one thing i’ll never stop believing in is love. divine, simple love. the simple moments when we sit in silence, or when we have phone calls. when we share food, when we laugh till we can’t breathe. when we belt our lungs out to adele in the car, when we hold hands, when your warmness engulfs me, it’s in the first sip of coffee, it’s when we exchange smiles with strangers. it’s when you wipe my tears and hold my hand. it’s when tears soak your shirt and snot flows like a river. it’s in every breath and step i take. it’s God filling me with His endless love.

it’s in these small moments. it’s how the sun’s rays reach the darkest corners of the room. how the gloomy nights always feel blue. i pray i never forget. i never forget that my essence is love. despite the sensations that consume me, i never ever want to forget that this is who i am. i am enough. i plead for my heart to never become rough as i learn to heal from the past. for who knows what the future holds?