I’ve been surrounded by addicts my whole life.
I’ve been surrounded by them so long I sometimes wish I was one.
At least then I would only belong to myself and the drugs.
But instead I don’t even belong to myself, I belong to them and the drugs.
I’m a codependent.
I get all of the pain and none of the fun.
I don’t even get any support because I’m too busy supporting them.
And what’s the thanks I get?
I get screamed at and cried to, I get called a buzz kill and I get mocked for not being like them.
I get my shit broken, my money that I’ve worked for stolen.
We couldn’t buy toilet paper or shampoo but we sure did always have something to snort or something to shoot.
We didn’t have electricity or running water but at least we had a roof over our heads to do dope under.
My plans never work out, and the only plans they can make are surrounded around getting high.
I used to think that I was cursed by being all or none, black or white, high or sober, ecstatic or suicidal.
But now I’m starting to think that my curse is not extreme but mediocre.
Not all or none or black or white but middle and gray.
I’m too tainted to be normal but too good to be crazy.
And I wish I was bad.
But Jesus saved my soul as a child and no matter where I go or what I do I can never fully shake him.
And thieves are born not made.
So I’m stuck with menial labor because I can’t make myself steal, and I can’t make myself sell the same shit that ruined my life and those I love around me.
And you might have trouble reading my face but that’s natural and accidental, my poker face is rarely good when I try to use it on purpose.
And though I like to write I’m sad to say I’m not creative enough to be a good liar.
So without my addicts I’m left all alone.
But they are never there when I need them.
They’re either causing my overwhelming emotions or nowhere to be found when I’m having them.
They make a mess and leave me to clean it up.
They break me down and leave me with my broken pieces until they decide to grace me with their affection.
They leave me a crying, screaming, bleeding mess on the floor while they look down their nose at me.
Everything I just said is true down to the last detail but if you think I’m being general and you think you can stand to hear it I can be more specific.
My father, my sister, my aunt, my cousins, my best friend, and the only man I’ve ever loved.
They’ve left me with debt a totaled car physical scars and secrets I can’t tell anybody but God.
They’ve left me with a broken mind, memories that haunt me, an untrusting heart, and a jagged soul.
They’ve turned my whole world upside down and spun it around so I don’t know what’s up, what’s down, what’s wrong or what’s right, and what’s left is a broken windshield, a piercing rearview, and a mirror that lies.
I feel like damaged but defiant goods like a dog that’s been abused.
Yeah I’m a bad broken bitch,
but my bite is worse than my bark,
which is why I guess I’m left so long in the dark.
Loving an addict is like riding a rollercoaster blindfolded and the wheels won’t stay on the tracks.
The highs are high above the clouds and you think you will never love anybody else the same
But the lowest lows leave you numb like when you find out that someone you love just died.
And trying to leave them is worse.
They become violent and the words they say downright degrading.
They blame, they beg, they scream, and they cry
Or if you’re like me, they’ll open a bottle and threaten to swallow thirty sleeping pills and you have to pry their mouth open and swear you’ll never leave them or else you could add someone dying to the list of everything that’s your fault.
Because everything is your fault in their eyes.
There’s a reason they’re called sick.
There’s a reason it’s called a disease.
But the disease kills the family before it kills the addict.
I don’t doubt that, my uncle is dead to prove it, had a massive heart attack, the coroner said his heart literally exploded inside his chest at fifty years old.
They literally broke his heart,
And I refuse any longer to let them break mine, I’d rather be alone.
And if you think that they’ll choose you over the drugs I feel sorry for you,
Maybe I’m just jaded,
But I’ve seen them choose drugs over their son and daughter, over their sister, over their wife.
Addiction next to greed is the devil’s right and left hand.
The more honest I am
The more irrelevant I become.
I am a loner
A restless roamer
I do not belong in society.
I scare everyone away.
I’m a roller coaster
“you don’t have to go looking for trouble
It can very easily find you.”
I’m a suicide bomber
Self immolating myself beyond my own recognition
So why should you listen to me?
Nobody else does,
Because what do I know?
I don’t even know myself.
I am an anxiety ridden
Baby bird without its mother.
I am an angry
Because nothing is as turbulent
As a tsunami
Just like nothing is as tranquil
As still waters.
I kept pushing you away
but you wouldn’t give up
you kept knocking and knocking on the doors of my heart
until you left your imprint on the windows to my soul
and I let you back in.
Now you’re my whole world
and i can’t stand it.
and i detest
this feeling called love
that makes me so powerless
I guess that’s why they call it love sick
because when i leave you
I can’t eat
I can’t sleep
and my body shakes
and I want to puke
but nothing comes out
so i take you back
and I’m better for a while...
I can’t seem to live without it
now that I’ve got a taste of it,
all i can think about 24/7 is you.
I can’t even live in the present
Putting all my hope into the future
and living on the past,
surviving on meaningless texts
and calls where nothing is said,
I don’t know why I bother charging my phone,
but I’m Facebook stalking
and being the type of girl I never wanted to be.
But it hurts me to ignore you
and sometimes it seems impossible to try,
I know I need to end it for good
because this second guessing love is getting old,
but I don’t want to be alone.
And I don’t have the strength
because I know what it feels like to lose you
like my heart broke into pieces
and my soul was torn in half.
It took a year to just to get the pieces back
and I don’t want to survive another year of that.
But being in a long distance relationship with you is not enough.
Especially when I’m not even sure if being with you is enough
but I won’t make the mistake of cutting you off again
because I’m too weak to do that and I’ll just take you back
and that’ll just be another crack in both of our hearts
so I’ll just try my best to ease off you
slowly, but hopefully if god is gracious surely
because I feel like loving you is killing me...
Do you remember how badly you wanted me in that hotel room?
You should, your memory is better than mine.
I remember how powerful it made me feel
when you showed me how just my presence made you hard
and I didn’t even take my clothes off.
I remember how you begged for a kiss
kneeling before me in my chair,
your arms not touching me yet surrounding me,
desperate, begging, trying and failing to be commanding
and when you finally got one how you trembled.
I felt your hair stand on end
and saw goosebumps rise on your skin
as I made you purr with contentment.
I remember how I told you that I wasn’t ready to have sex with you again
and when you finally got me to lie on the bed with you
how you couldn’t keep your hands off me,
but you didn’t try to take off my clothes.
Still, I had to get off the bed to keep my promise to myself,
to try unsuccessfully keep my peace of mind.
Oh how conflicted I was then,
how conflicted I am now.
I took you back to my place so we could watch that show we love
and I remember how you tried to respect the promise I made to myself
as I stood up to lead you to my room.
I will always respect you for that.
I remember how you rolled us over
begging me with your eyes to ride you
as if you wanted to make sure I really wanted this
so you forced me to take control.
But now I see that maybe you weren’t forcing me to take control,
but was trying to show me that I was in control
but I didn’t really want it.
And it seems like I still have it now
and sometimes I enjoy it,
but really I just want you
to come and take it.
I, (and I’m sure others), once asked a philosophical question, or rather, philosophical questions without knowing or discovering the answer: Do you have to strip yourself of everything in order to become yourself? Or are you just the accumulation of what you know and feel?
I would now change it to what you think and feel since I feel so lost. But its been said before that you have to lose yourself to find yourself.
So me, an extremist, 0-100, black and white, yet lover of gray, finally has the answer. It’s both. There is not one or the other. I can finally answer a question with the middle, in between, gray, the light and the shadows, the sun, and the moon, the rooster and the night owl, for I am both. I am a hater of hypocrites although I am one myself, full of contradictions, sheepish and untrustworthy, open yet unreadable, hot and then cold.
Cuidado porque soy peligroso.
Handle with care
Do not touch
Aviso no tocar
Beware of dog
Proceed with caution
If you play with fire you will get burned
There are multiple ways of saying things and I will tell you every one so you will make no mistake, you will have no excuse, you will emerge from obscurity, your true colors will be revealed.
And Be Aware
Stay far away from me.
Do you know what it’s like for the person you love the most be the person you fear the most? Afraid to lose them and Afraid of them physically? Afraid they might kill you accidentally or on purpose? Afraid that they are both the reason for you to be alive and the reason to want to die? Vampires that suck your blood, your soul dry? After an encounter with them you are never the same. There is a line that once crossed can never be uncrossed. One decision can fuck you up for life.
Do you know?
I can’t do this anymore.
It hurts too much.
I thought I was over you,
but apparently I’m not.
The rush I get when I hear from you
isn’t worth the ache I feel when I don’t.
And there are so many things I need to say to you
but I can’t get the words out of my mouth.
I’m afraid to say what I need to say.
I’m afraid that you aren’t as in love with me as you believe you are.
Afraid that what I need to say
will make you run away.
And yes you have changed
but not enough.
And I’m too smart than to try
because trying to change someone
is like trying to control them.
It doesn’t work.
It will ricochet
and I have enough problems
then to add yours to mine.
You told me that you would never wait for me,
that you would never wait for anyone
because if I loved you I wouldn’t have asked you to.
But to me that meant that you didn’t really love me
because I would’ve waited for you.
So how am I supposed to believe that you will wait for me now?
And how do you dare expect me to?
Because I will never ask you to wait for me again.
You talk an incredible game
and my heart aches to believe you
but I can’t believe you
I don’t believe you
because my head doesn’t want to.
I’m afraid to tell you that you broke me too much
for me to be able to ever trust you again.
I’m a Cancer
and you’re a Capricorn.
I’m a crab
and you’re a goat.
You don’t need a harness to survive the mountains
and I don’t need a lifeboat to survive the tidal waves.
But you move up
and I move sideways,
And you might love the water
but I would fall off a cliff before I reach the peak of your mountain.