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Win 20150324 020901

rambling woman

POEMS
FAVORITES
14
FOLLOWING
19
FOLLOWERS
16

I’ve been surrounded by addicts my whole life.
I’ve been surrounded by them so long I sometimes wish I was one.
At least then I would only belong to myself and the drugs.
But instead I don’t even belong to myself, I belong to them and the drugs.
I’m a codependent.
I get all of the pain and none of the fun.
I don’t even get any support because I’m too busy supporting them.
And what’s the thanks I get?
I get screamed at and cried to, I get called a buzz kill and I get mocked for not being like them.
I get my shit broken, my money that I’ve worked for stolen.
We couldn’t buy toilet paper or shampoo but we sure did always have something to snort or something to shoot.
We didn’t have electricity or running water but at least we had a roof over our heads to do dope under.
My plans never work out, and the only plans they can make are surrounded around getting high.
I used to think that I was cursed by being all or none, black or white, high or sober, ecstatic or suicidal.
But now I’m starting to think that my curse is not extreme but mediocre.
Not all or none or black or white but middle and gray.
I’m too tainted to be normal but too good to be crazy.
And I wish I was bad.
But Jesus saved my soul as a child and no matter where I go or what I do I can never fully shake him.
And thieves are born not made.
So I’m stuck with menial labor because I can’t make myself steal, and I can’t make myself sell the same shit that ruined my life and those I love around me.
And you might have trouble reading my face but that’s natural and accidental, my poker face is rarely good when I try to use it on purpose.
And though I like to write I’m sad to say I’m not creative enough to be a good liar.
So without my addicts I’m left all alone.
But they are never there when I need them.
They’re either causing my overwhelming emotions or nowhere to be found when I’m having them.
They make a mess and leave me to clean it up.
They break me down and leave me with my broken pieces until they decide to grace me with their affection.
They leave me a crying, screaming, bleeding mess on the floor while they look down their nose at me.
Everything I just said is true down to the last detail but if you think I’m being general and you think you can stand to hear it I can be more specific.
My father, my sister, my aunt, my cousins, my best friend, and the only man I’ve ever loved.
They’ve left me with debt a totaled car physical scars and secrets I can’t tell anybody but God.
They’ve left me with a broken mind, memories that haunt me, an untrusting heart, and a jagged soul.
They’ve turned my whole world upside down and spun it around so I don’t know what’s up, what’s down, what’s wrong or what’s right, and what’s left is a broken windshield, a piercing rearview, and a mirror that lies.
I feel like damaged but defiant goods like a dog that’s been abused.
Yeah I’m a bad broken bitch,
but my bite is worse than my bark,
which is why I guess I’m left so long in the dark.
Loving an addict is like riding a rollercoaster blindfolded and the wheels won’t stay on the tracks.
The highs are high above the clouds and you think you will never love anybody else the same
But the lowest lows leave you numb like when you find out that someone you love just died.
And trying to leave them is worse.
They become violent and the words they say downright degrading.
They blame, they beg, they scream, and they cry
Or if you’re like me, they’ll open a bottle and threaten to swallow thirty sleeping pills and you have to pry their mouth open and swear you’ll never leave them or else you could add someone dying to the list of everything that’s your fault.
Because everything is your fault in their eyes.
There’s a reason they’re called sick.
There’s a reason it’s called a disease.
But the disease kills the family before it kills the addict.
I don’t doubt that, my uncle is dead to prove it, had a massive heart attack, the coroner said his heart literally exploded inside his chest at fifty years old.
They literally broke his heart,
And I refuse any longer to let them break mine, I’d rather be alone.
And if you think that they’ll choose you over the drugs I feel sorry for you,
Maybe I’m just jaded,
But I’ve seen them choose drugs over their son and daughter, over their sister, over their wife.
Addiction next to greed is the devil’s right and left hand.

The more honest I am
The more irrelevant I become.
I am a loner
An outlaw
A cowboy
A renegade
A restless roamer
A gypsy
I do not belong in society.
I scare everyone away.
I’m a roller coaster
“you don’t have to go looking for trouble
It can very easily find you.”
I’m a suicide bomber
Kamikaze
Self immolating myself beyond my own recognition
So why should you listen to me?
Nobody else does,
Because what do I know?
I don’t even know myself.
I am an anxiety ridden
Brainwashed
Baby bird without its mother.
I am an angry
Tsunami,
Tsunami
Because nothing is as turbulent
As a tsunami
Just like nothing is as tranquil
As still waters.

Don’t come around me because I’m not completely here.
I have some screws loose inside my head.
I’m an extremist in more ways than one.
I have recklessly trusted people I cared about like a foolish stupid child.
I’ve been accused of being fake when I wore my heart on my sleeve.
Lol.
By people who had no grounds,
who never tried to understand me.
But they think I’m fake I suppose because I am like a sponge,
Absorbing the ones I love as if they are shaping me,
Like a baby in the womb.
I have a secret, you see.
That I cannot tell anybody,
Because this secret is not only my own,
But everyone whom I loved
And those I believed to have loved me.
I have stories for days and days.
My mind is always going
And there are so many things going on inside of my head that it takes everything out of me sometimes to focus on one thought.
It’s a toe curling, chest cramping sensation
That leaves me unable to catch my breath,
Like a high you have to experience to understand.
I am sheepish: embarrassed by awareness of a fault,
To the point where the fault is me.
Because I am surrounded by all of peoples faults and they have shaped my entire being.
Yet I am alone.

I kept pushing you away
but you wouldn’t give up
you kept knocking and knocking on the doors of my heart
until you left your imprint on the windows to my soul
and I let you back in.
Now you’re my whole world
and i can’t stand it.
It hurts,
and i detest
this feeling called love
that makes me so powerless
and helpless
I guess that’s why they call it love sick
because when i leave you
I can’t eat
I can’t sleep
and my body shakes
and I want to puke
but nothing comes out
so i take you back
and I’m better for a while...

I can’t seem to live without it
now that I’ve got a taste of it,
all i can think about 24/7 is you.
I can’t even live in the present
Putting all my hope into the future
and living on the past,
surviving on meaningless texts
and calls where nothing is said,
I don’t know why I bother charging my phone,
but I’m Facebook stalking
and being the type of girl I never wanted to be.
But it hurts me to ignore you
and sometimes it seems impossible to try,
I know I need to end it for good
because this second guessing love is getting old,
but I don’t want to be alone.
And I don’t have the strength
because I  know what it feels like to lose you
like my heart broke into pieces
and my soul was torn in half.
It took a year to just to get the pieces back
and I don’t want to survive another year of that.
But being in a long distance relationship with you is not enough.
Especially when I’m not even sure if being with you is enough
but I won’t make the mistake of cutting you off again
because I’m too weak to do that and I’ll just take you back
and that’ll just be another crack in both of our hearts
so I’ll just try my best to ease off you
slowly, but hopefully if god is gracious surely
because I feel like loving you is killing me...

1

You say you don’t believe me
Yet I have shown you proof
I don’t know why you choose not to believe me
When I’m castrating myself in front of you
I have been humiliated more times than I can count
Don’t tell me to grow up
When you haven’t even grown to my level
Don’t blame your insecurities on me
I have enough of my own
Why are you getting so offended
When I’m just speaking the truth?
I’m not going to apologize any more
For seeing what I see
I can’t help that I am observant
I can’t help that I have this sixth sense
That sees through the parts of you that you don’t want me to see
And you keep putting me underneath a microscope
Keeping me contained in your little lab
But I’ve already cut myself open for you
Stop digging your needle into all of my veins
You’ve already infected me
My blood is only transmittable to you
What more can you ask for?
What more can I do?
You keep trying to see through me
But there’s nothing left of me to see through
I’m standing before you naked all the way down to my very soul
I have told you my darkest secrets
I have bared all of my shame
I’ve cried all these tears over you
For you are the reason for all our bloodstains
I tell it like it is
And keep myself open
Even though you closed yourself off from me
But that’s okay
Because I know why now
You have been weighed and you have been measured
And you know that I have found you wanting
I would say I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve
But my heart like my mind you have scattered into a thousand pieces
But I have still left them laid out on our kitchen table
And there might be no reason
But I’ll damn sure show you how they rhyme
You tell me I’m fake because
I have no need for shallowness
And go straight to everything under the surface
You showed me no mercy you sucked my soul dry
So I will allow you no secrets
Because you deprived me of mine.
You were and are the only man I’ve ever loved.
And I’ll always remember the night your eyes first met mine.
It might not have been love at first sight
But as my pale green eyes met yours of blue ice
The world stopped turning I couldn’t tell you how long
And my soul knew then you were gonna become a part of it
But I didn’t know then how much were going to shred it
Because if my mind and my heart feel like its in a thousand pieces
My soul feels like its shredded into jagged pieces that I cannot describe with mere words
At times I feel like I’m dying because my memories of us keep flashing in front of my eyes
If you catch me looking off into space and my eyes are glazed over like death warmed over
Then yes I might be thinking of you though I hope I never see you again.
And though I curse you I also have to thank you
Because now I know what I don’t want in a man. ‘
You were the worst thing that ever happened to me.
You beguiled me like Lucifer with his apple to Eve.
Except you called me Mary then cursed me like Jezebel.
You put me on a heavenly pedestal then delighted in tearing it down to your level in hell.
Like Samson and Delilah.
Except I was Samson
And you were Delilah
And you betrayed me
Because you didn’t trust me
Because of your own insecurities.
I was your Doctor Harleen Frances Quinzel
And you were my joker
And you said I saved you
But you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.
You can’t turn a criminal into an honest man.
You can’t save a soul when it is already damned.

I have a secret.
That I can not tell anybody.
Because you see this secret is not only my own,
But everyone whom I loved
And those I believed to have loved me.
I have stories for days
And days.
My mind is always going
And there are so many things going on inside my head that it takes everything out of me to focus on one thought.
It’s a toe curling, chest cramping sensation,
Like shooting, running, morphines or opanas,
Except you feel it through out your whole body.
First your head feels marvelously heavy,
Yet light as a feather,
Like a limb going numb,
Except it’s your brain,
Like popping a bunch of Xanax
Benzoxazepines,
Or pain pills.
Except with morphine,
Everything feels far away,
Like you are in a dream,
And no matter what happens,
You know you will be okay,
Because the only thing that matters
Is those drugs
That medicine
That people take so that they can go on living.
At least that to me is how it feels like to do drugs,
But nobody be like me,
Because I do everything to the extreme.
When you sell your soul,
you’re not allowed to keep any of it.

There are multiple ways of saying things and I will tell you every one of them so you will make no mistake, you will have no excuse, you will emerge from obscurity, your true colors will be revealed.
So beware.
And be aware.
You cannot represent those you conspire against.
You cannot prove innocent with a bad reputation.
If you look for trouble, trouble you will find.
If you look for something wrong, you will find everything to be
You can use fancy words while saying nothing at all.
You can explain a whole emotion with a look on your face.
You can lie to me with your words, but your eyes always tell the truth.
I can read you like my favorite novel.
No, I can recite you like lyrics of my favorite song.
I can read between all of your lines.
There are games to be played.
So be careful what you wish for
Because there is such a thing as self-fulfilled prophecy,
And curses that last generations.
There are lines that once crossed can never be uncrossed,
And one decision can change your entire life.
You can run and you can try to hide but you cannot hide from yourself.
And god will have his will done whether you want it or not.

Do you remember how badly you wanted me in that hotel room?
You should, your memory is better than mine.
I remember how powerful it made me feel
when you showed me how just my presence made you hard
and I didn’t even take my clothes off.
I remember how you begged for a kiss
kneeling before me in my chair,
your arms not touching me yet surrounding me,
desperate, begging, trying and failing to be commanding
and when you finally got one how you trembled.
I felt your hair stand on end
and saw goosebumps rise on your skin
as I made you purr with contentment.
I remember how I told you that I wasn’t ready to have sex with you again
and when you finally got me to lie on the bed with you
how you couldn’t keep your hands off me,
but you didn’t try to take off my clothes.
Still, I had to get off the bed to keep my promise to myself,
to try unsuccessfully keep my peace of mind.
Oh how conflicted I was then,
how conflicted I am now.
I took you back to my place so we could watch that show we love
and I remember how you tried to respect the promise I made to myself
as I stood up to lead you to my room.
I will always respect you for that.
I remember how you rolled us over
begging me with your eyes to ride you
as if you wanted to make sure I really wanted this
so you forced me to take control.
But now I see that maybe you weren’t forcing me to take control,
but was trying to show me that I was in control
but I didn’t really want it.
And it seems like I still have it now
and sometimes I enjoy it,
but really I just want you
to come and take it.

I, (and I’m sure others), once asked a philosophical question, or rather, philosophical questions without knowing or discovering the answer: Do you have to strip yourself of everything in order to become yourself? Or are you just the accumulation of what you know and feel?
I would now change it to what you think and feel since I feel so lost. But its been said before that you have to lose yourself to find yourself.
So me, an extremist, 0-100, black and white, yet lover of gray, finally has the answer. It’s both. There is not one or the other. I can finally answer a question with the middle, in between, gray, the light and the shadows, the sun, and the moon, the rooster and the night owl, for I am both. I am a hater of hypocrites although I am one myself, full of contradictions, sheepish and untrustworthy, open yet unreadable, hot and then cold.
Cuidado porque soy peligroso.
Handle with care
Do not touch
Aviso no tocar
Beware of dog
Dead end
Wrong turn
Electrical hazard
Proceed with caution
Hot surface
If you play with fire you will get burned
There are multiple ways of saying things and I will tell you every one so you will make no mistake, you will have no excuse, you will emerge from obscurity, your true colors will be revealed.
So beware
And Be Aware
Stay far away from me.
Comprende?
Do you know what it’s like for the person you love the most be the person you fear the most? Afraid to lose them and Afraid of them physically? Afraid they might kill you accidentally or on purpose? Afraid that they are both the reason for you to be alive and the reason to want to die? Vampires that suck your blood, your soul dry? After an encounter with them you are never the same. There is a line that once crossed can never be uncrossed. One decision can fuck you up for life.
Do you know?

Everywhere I turn people are judging me
And kicking me while I am down
Not caring to listen to why or how I got there.
I am the blood in a cut.
I am a bomb going off
I am death
And cancer
And hepatitis
And aids
I am gastroparesis,
Only my stomach isn’t
Paralyzed
But my mind
Like a rat spinning and spinning incessantly in a fucking wheel.
Every once in a while I will blow
And everyone around me will duck and cover.
I am contagious
Beware of coming near me
Everyone I have ever loved took me down with them
It’s about damn time I take someone with me.
Everyone in my family is dying
They are all leaving me
The ones who would stay can’t
And the ones that can stay
Won’t.
I have some screws loose inside my head.
I am a mind fuck
I am fucking insane
Pincha loco miha
Bona fide alter ego persona non grata vice versa carpe diem cum laude alma mater quid pro quo
I was not meant for this time,
I was meant for arcadia
The quiet shephard
In the rural, idyllic life away from society in ancient greece.
I am a carwreck
That you don’t want to see
Yet can’t help but to look for
I am that nausea in that pit of your stomach as you pass a place or a person full of bad memories.

On the 66 note
Why do I always have to overdo it?
I was told I was tough today
Like a massacre
Cigarette swizzling as I put it out on the crease between my thumb and my forefinger
Pain is a dream
I guess that’s why I don’t get enough sleep
I’m already dreaming awake
Call me crazy or masochistic
But there’s nothing like the rush
Of fists and kicks flying at you
Pumbling you
Backing you up into a corner.
My mama always told me never let them see you scared
Even if you’re shaking in your boots
Don’t cower
Stand up tall and straight
Look them in the eye in the face
Thats why I knew it was time to move on
when I could no longer look at you in the face.
Much less the eye
I could see the crazy side of you in those eyes
So cold
Setting me ablaze
Like hell froze over
Blue ice
Because people seem to forget
Freezing burns too.

I can’t do this anymore.
It hurts too much.
I thought I was over you,
but apparently I’m not.
The rush I get when I hear from you
isn’t worth the ache I feel when I don’t.
And there are so many things I need to say to you
but I can’t get the words out of my mouth.
I’m afraid to say what I need to say.
I’m afraid that you aren’t as in love with me as you believe you are.
Afraid that what I need to say
will make you run away.
And yes you have changed
but not enough.
And I’m too smart than to try
because trying to change someone
is like trying to control them.
It doesn’t work.
It will ricochet
and I have enough problems
then to add yours to mine.
You told me that you would never wait for me,
that you would never wait for anyone
because if I loved you I wouldn’t have asked you to.
But to me that meant that you didn’t really love me
because I would’ve waited for you.
So how am I supposed to believe that you will wait for me now?
And how do you dare expect me to?
Because I will never ask you to wait for me again.
You talk an incredible game
and my heart aches to believe you
but I can’t believe you
I don’t believe you
because my head doesn’t want to.
I’m afraid to tell you that you broke me too much
for me to be able to ever trust you again.
I’m a Cancer
and you’re a Capricorn.
I’m a crab
and you’re a goat.
You don’t need a harness to survive the mountains
and I don’t need a lifeboat to survive the tidal waves.
But you move up
and I move sideways,
And you might love the water
but I would fall off a cliff before I reach the peak of your mountain.