I cannot describe
I’m not religious,
but today I sank down on the kitchen floor
and I prayed to God.
Like the ocean water, rhythmically crashing
and rolling up the shore -
my emotions flooded me.
Memories crashing up the shore,
of my subconscious.
Am I an alien here?
The words you spoke were the exact,
same words that came out of the
mouth of another.
My other.
Word for word, you rationalized
your need for validation, love
and the freedom to use it up
as if it meant nothing.
No consequences.
The need to be good on your own,
without another person filling the void.
But, there I was being used up
of all my kindness and resources.
While you heal,
and I whether away.
Like a used up damp cloth,
I went home to ring myself dry.
Memories flooding back,
as I blasted my music in my ears.
A wave of anger and inner pain,
felt like a solid energy needing
to purge itself out of me.
As my vision turned black,
I silently screamed as I pierced my
fist into a soft empty pillow.
Stars flooded my eyes,
and warmth filled my body as
I screamed.
A euphoric feeling -
as I emptied out the pain that
had embodied me.
I didn’t even know it was still there,
as I stuffed it away with all the
“maybe it’s time to move ons”
I see you standing there on the rock -
you had arrived after hours of driving.
You were glowing in your presence as I ran to hug you.
The image replays in my head in front
of all the harmful words you have said.
The worst part is I had fun with you,
we laughed and I enjoyed your company.
But, the dawning reality of another
“friendship” dawned on me.
I was always the best friend.
You used to love me,
long for me and desire me.
It gave me purpose.
But, now there is an emptiness inside me,
that I cannot describe.
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