To Thee
To my demons
To my monsters
To my fears
Worries and troubles
I don’t believe in you
You don’t fucking exist
You have no clue
Who I fucking am
And what I can fucking do
You have no idea
Absolutely none
You have no reason to hate me
No reason to judge
I could be the sweetest one
I could be the demonic saint
But you’ll never know for sure
Because you never gave me a chance in the first place
I’ve been given head starts
I always have my entire life
I always fall back to the same routine
I always fall back to my own strike
Clenching my fists with blood dripping between my fingers
Tears that drip sore and pain that still lingers
I’m a stranger
I shouldn’t exist
You wonder why I have this attitude
Why I’m always pissed
I have the look of hate
I have the look of death
The look of the numb
One who’s sunk to the back of their head
I carry my head weighted down
Yet it’s held so high
I have no reason to be ashamed
But yet that’s all I feel inside
I can’t remember
The last time I felt a part of a family
I can’t remember the faces of the ones before me
I never wanted to forget
I never wanted it to come to this
But this is what I’ve been given
This is what it is
I’m a wounded soldier
I’m a fallen angel
I’m a heavenly demon
My whole body is mangled
By my thoughts and the way I live
The way I look
All the lives I’ve ruined
All the things I’ve took
It all led towards nothing
I am nothing
This was the path I chose
But I’m not the only one who owes
Who’s held this pain
I’m not the only kid drowning in the rain
I’ll drown myself in pills
Doesn’t that just make you ill
Oh yes it makes me sick too
Tight knots well up in my stomach just at the thought
I’ll pull through
I just want a glimpse of what I forgot
Even the bugs crawling up my skin
Somehow always find their way in
They crawl up my spine
They find their way inside
And they devour everything within
I might’ve lost what I had long ago
But that doesn’t mean I won’t search for something new
A reason for me to stay and no longer want to go
I hate myself
No wonder why you hate me
I fucking hate myself
(2013)
