Inner Struggles...(Thoughts on a page..)
A heart of stone, a heavy load
To carry a burden, my soul weighs heavy
No escape inside this prison of hell
Memories emerge but somehow stay hidden
What’s real, what’s not?
What’s tormenting my mind; my soul?
Dark thoughts; who’s there? What happened?
Where am I? Am I safe?
Is this real?
What feels like an eternity of misery within my deepest thoughts?
To never fully understand the casualties within me
The memories that have buried themselves so deep within my psyche
Overtaken by the spirits of the unknown
To whisper to myself and ask deeper questions
Questions never possible to understand
To delve deep into my memories
Only to receive blank thoughts
Frustration;
It’s my mind, my experience
How can it be that it hides it from me?
‘To protect you’ it says,
Do I need protection?
Is the memory so bad it must hinder reflection?
If I remembered would it plague my mind?
Like a sickness without a cure
Should I be protected from my mind?
Like a mother, shielding her child from fear
Is that all it is?
Fear
Maybe not, maybe true?
Deeply rooted and hidden
To protect my spirit from dying
Distraction;
A tape recorder of events in my mind
Sleepless nights and wasteful days
Focus lost from endless tiredness
How can you endure pain when you neglect your inner strength?
No dreams to guide you
Safely to the right doors of your conscious mind
Refraction;
Memories bend and change direction
Losing my way through distorted images…
Like an endless mirror maze in my mind
Broken images in my head
Like a lens in a telescope that focuses the light,
I try to focus the memory
But fail at every mirror
Illusion;
What I see, isn’t what I know to be true
What I know, isn’t what I perceive to be real
It’s on the edges of what I know
But it isn’t fact
Like the light; the memory is an illusion in my mind
My brain fills the gaps,
Makes me see things that become invisible again
Tricks me and leaves me wondering
Confusion;
How can I feel so emotional?
So emotional about things that didn’t happen,
Or is it I don’t want them to be true, Denial.
Why now do I remember these things?
Are the Gods playing games with me?
Testing my endurance of despair
My mind slowly unravelling memories like string
Memories that as a child I refused to witness
I could not bear …
I did not want to know
Protection;
I protect all I have left in me
My faith, my soul, my spirit, shattered as it may be
But not beyond repair
Others try to protect me
From myself; they tell me I’m unstable
They may be right
But they are also wrong
Some take advantage in my fragile state
Some show care
Some don’t care
I look for what feels comftable
For what gives me strength
To get through another day
Reflection;
Some days the struggle is hard
Other days it’s less hard
But it’s never easy
It is a part of me
A daily struggle
An inner struggle
Complex thoughts that pose questions
I may never yet know the answers to,
Feelings I may never yet understand,
Emotions I may never yet be able to comprehend
But I am still me
I am still breathing
My heart is still beating
I still know how to love
I know how to forgive
And I will
When I’m ready
One day
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