For Now
With everything the way it is,
I can’t help but feel a discomfort
because it’s not where I expected to be.
Every plan that I have made has ended up delayed
or ended at once, so I can’t help but feel a lack in success.
Every second I’m living, every breath that I’m breathing,
time escapes me and it’s all that I want.
Time to fix and finish anything I feel should be done
to shorten all of the complaints I’ve complained,
and the songs that I’ve sung to summarize how much I’ve not lived,
and how much I’m unloved,
by myself.
I’m the one who should love me, but I can’t help but not.
There are so many more beautiful people than me that I just forgot
that I can be beautiful if I think myself to,
no one’s approval is needed but my own, but I don’t approve of me.
For now I’ll continue to reach up through
the gray negativity I’ve closed myself in.
This burial I’ve dug is so deep and so blue,
but the surface is so amazing.
Someday I’ll be up there on top of this mound,
putting the dirt back where it belongs.
And waiting for me will be myself
to love me when my insecurity has been overcome.
(2014)
