Reassurance
I am broken and I know that
I don’t need you to remind me that.
I don’t need you to remind me that I am alone.
And when I thought that you were my people
The ones who would not judge me,
The people who are suppose to be there for me no matter what…
You remind me of my insecurities
Of my struggles
Of MY struggles
You remind me that I am all alone
And I am my own worst enemy.
I should not have let you all in
I thought you were my friends
I trusted you
I let you see a piece of myself that I don’t
Let anyone see
And then you shit on me
Made me feel worthless
Just one more way of solidifying that
If you let people in
They will fail you.
Sure, maybe you meant it out of love
But that does not make it any less offensive.
And on top of that, I have had so much shit to deal with
Sure, you know a lot of it
But honestly, you don’t even know half of it
Don’t judge a book by its cover.
Just because the outside layer
May be water damaged and withered
The inside could tell a heart-wrenching story
That is unforgettable.
A classic.
A true timeless piece.
Something that radiates exuberance.
Like someone you cannot help but love.
Why cannot that be me?
Thank you for making me absolutely sick to my stomach,
Bringing back all my thoughts that I could not wait to escape for but a week.
You treat me like a child
You think I want to be alone
Like I don’t want to be touched
Or cared for
I have more love than ever to share
I know because I have given it before
And it was… euphoric.
I know, because I supported others when
No one else did
I know because I was the sister, the daughter,
The one that was always there
Even when that meant no one was there for
Me
But now you act like I can just find that again.
Like relationships can just pick up where they left
Off
Don’t act like you understand.
Don’t act like you understand what if feels like to have
The most important people in your life fail you at the exact same
Second.
Fall on your face,
Face the scars,
The scars that don’t fade, but just get deeper and deeper
More intense with each day that passes
Like bacitracin is not a thing
And then come back to me…
Now don’t get me wrong,
I know a lot of other people have it worse
Have it tougher, harder, each and every day
And they are so resilient.
Those people that are out there,
They are inspiration.
But for now,
Thanks for reminding me how much it sucks to be by myself
But you see, I really didn’t feel like I was by myself
I thought I had you all as my friends
But friends don’t belittle friends and make them feel pathetic and worthless
They don’t chew them up and spit them out like scraps
They don’t capsize on their weaknesses to make them feel better about themselves
So thank you for making me feel offended
Thank you for once again making me realize that you cannot trust anyone in this world
Thank you again, for making me feel utter disappointment
Thank you for reminding me that I am alone
That I am broken
That I am here struggling each and every day to get by
And to know my own friends are here judging me
When they don’t even know half of it
Half of the story
Half of the bare boned heart breaking struggle that is my life
You think I am an open person
But my friends you don’t even know half of the story
So thank you,
Thank you so much for reassuring my lack of faith in humanity
And my own realization that letting people in just leads to disappointment and that
Honestly, I am much better a loner
Because letting people in just leads to more disappointment
And who wants that.
Thank you for the reassurance.
~AAS
