I’m Sorry
I'm an idiot
I tend to think I am a good person
That I do good things and try my best to keep people happy.
But why do I have to be happy right now?
Why am I always told to “smile,” or “stop being so negative.”
I am allowed to feel.
But I don’t want to.
I don’t deserve to.
I am sorry I hurt you.
You know, I’ve just been more and more depressed lately.
I can’t help it.
I just don’t feel happy.
But I mean, that’s okay, isn’t it?
I am sick of pretending to be something I am not.
When we were talking, I kept thinking, “I love you. I’m sorry. I’s an idiot.”
I admit to fucking up.
I admit to being the one to fuck up and do something stupid.
I didn’t think anyone cared so much.
I didn’t think you would because... not a lot of people have actually been caring about me lately.
Most people just want something from me.
Sex, money, favors, advice.
I just got into the grove of it all. But then I met you.
I didn’t think that’s all you wanted.
But I also didn’t realize you cared so much.
When A and I ended things, or rather, he ended things, it was because I was depressed.
And that made me even more depressed.
I had the mentality for the first couple weeks that I don’t care.
That I am not going to let myself care.
I slept with a few people, trying to deal with it all and just be a stone cold bitch until I actually believed it.
And I hated myself.
And I beat myself up all the time. I still do. Even for little things.
Then we met.
And I thought you were nice.
You kinda were a bit goofy, but I liked it.
But I didn’t think you actually cared at first.
But then I looked forward to talking to you every day.
I saw a good thing.
But I was still getting over things. Still am.
I know I was wrong. I know I fucked up.
But hearing you on the phone... beating yourself up and then just everything else, I understand what being something I am not can get me.
Nothing.
It gets me nothing.
And I screwed up.
And I honestly am just happy you still want me.
I know it is going to take a while for any trust to come back and things are honestly going to be different, but I am willing to get past them and earn it back.
I’m just sorry.
You didn’t deserve that and I know you deserve a lot better than me.
And I still look to see if you removed me from things or blocked me and I am relieved when you haven’t.
I’m sorry I never told you and I am sorry for hurting you.
I want to truly make you happy and I am willing to try and do all in my power to do so.
I love you.
