I don’t really have a poem today..
I just kinda.. I just kinda have been thinking lately that everything is going to be okay but then I turn back around and I feel like something is missing. It is like... It is like thinking you are lost somewhere where you didn’t think you were and feeling lost and new and everything is so foreign to you. It’s like missing everything that you used to do with your life and certain people and you can’t help but to miss it all and then you hear of their new lives and you wish you were still apart of what they wanted. You wish things were different and that you’d stop feeling things and you are trying... so hard. And now, the one person you could tell them to is not able to hear you so clearly anymore... or they never did. You feel so bad for being there for them and wanting t see them grow and succeed and you love them, but they don’t love you back and it hurts like being in an actual hell, just less fire, but it still burns beneath your skin. But... you want them happy and you know this is them being happy so you slowly fester all of you sadness and depression deep beneath your skin. You find someone else and you start to love them and you feel like shit for still loving another person. You miss the new person and the old one and you just feel selfish like you can’t tell anyone else what is wrong in fear of the new or old person finding it out or in fear of the friend you tell hates you for it or just can’t help you at all. It is always that fear... isn’t it? How can I be in love with you when I want to forget you. Please hurt me in some way to make it easier to forget you... or just tell me to leave and I will and then I can forget... but now..I will stay here I guess... by your side, pretending to be happy because you are happy and so it should make me happy.
Is that okay?
I have tried talking to you about it, but it always seems like I am bothering you and I feel the need to apologize... I apologize for everything, even the little things because I can’t seem to think that it is my fault.
I just kinda feel... alone.
I love him but I love you and it makes it hard for me. But it is not about what I want, honestly.
This is my only way to vent because the person who makes you happy and you are both on there now and I don’t want to start anything... this just needs to stop. I need to stop.
I’m sorry.