It finally happened
Hearing the memories flooding back from youth
As Trent and I sang about our lust and our
Pain.

No, we didn’t fuck like animals.
I don’t swing that way
Although swings are rather enjoyable.

Naw, Closer came as I came
Closer to the surface where I rejoined
Conjoined twins of depth and decay
Stayed my hand, my band
Traveling discontent
Drought of feeling
Or feeling too much
So we took a break
No songs, no lyrics
No joy, only pain
Staining windows in forensic patterns
If you’d just hit the rewind button

Fast-forward through space-time
Traversing some well-combined
Hyphenated, polysyllicated
Phrases and rhymes
In time you’d see that
I was in a shell, a cocoon
Incubating my sadness.

Oftentimes it is in the darkness
Where the detritus, the discarded, the damned
Destroy in fermentation as entropy reigns free.
Uncontrolled, unparalleled, unstoppable, unfuckingbelievable.
So the fungus gripped, starving and mad
Bearing and boring through the muck
To survive.

And survive we have,
Feeding on the tears
Moisture fertilized by trauma
And mistakes
And regret
Uncomfortable touches
Whispers of pain
Frightened, dilated pupils
Churning of the stomach.
Bile swallowed.
Unbearable guilt.
Quilted shame
A cloak of honor
A badge of deceit.

The child became a man before the man became a child.
Wild how it took until the 40th
Revolution to begin the resolution
Began as we all do -
Screaming, gasping, naked, bloody
And hopefully protected.

So I sought the shelter of safety
Down in the sewers,
Hiding and biding my time.
For...
Permission.

Only the entry could never be granted
Ticketmaster’s out to lunch.
Or was it a cigarette trip?
Either way, my daddy issues
Became my mommy issues
Became my life,
Begetting one fear after another.
Yikes!
Are we heavy enough?
Matter not– this is my soliloquy,
My poetry, my entry in the ledger.

Mark my words– this wisdom comes at a cost
Unbearably unnatural pain
Lain bare from time to chime
As counselor, therapist, friend and foe alike
Proclaims that I must, I must trust you
With my insides even as you turn them inside-out
To dissect, divulge, disseminate... disintegrate
In loudly unpoetic tweets.

Has it ever been lost on those of us chirping loudest
That we rely on the waves of interest to be interested?
Feed me, mama bird and please, don’t kick me out of this nest until I am ready!

This is my pain, my hurt, my sadness, regrets, doubts, shame
Put on display
Because Pandora left me a gift besides music -
Hope.

Persist I have,
No amount of stacked bodies could hold me;
No prison, no lies, no attacks of anxious doubt
No clout given or achieved
No dismissal, no stare
No dare from the wise
Would silence my mind.

Binded.
By myself.
To protect the precious child from... you...
Staring, lusting, confusing, lying, dreaming, hoping...
You and I are not so different.
I may feel torment too easily
And if I could only
It would all go away.

Stay awhile and listen.
This is but a glimpse of the immense, my depths unknowable.

Chase me. Peer into me. Secure the rhythm, lock into my chaos. Detect my patterns. Alight in mystery. Let the rush settle in for a moment because your attention is all I ever wanted and all I ever needed. I heeded their pleas, but fuck getting on my knees. I won’t beg but remain steadfast in my belief about my beliefs. Journey now, friends– I can call you that, right? My flight-or-flight is beating itself up so I am frozen in the past. This can’t last. I am ready for what is next.

Hell yeah. =)

7 Dec 2021
Christopher Loflin