Toss Up
Who will relent?
Which fear...
Wait, why are so many questions beginning with double-you?
Odd, that.
So yeah, why?
Which fear encapsulates strength the fondest,
Embracing the impossibly stunted
Past showing face in a storm of possibility?
I get it. The bottle calls.
Your pain is too real.
You’re frozen, tongue-tied, heart hog-tied
As you pretend you’re helpless.
Learned from youth and reinforced through trauma
Every touch of the heart and soul and young body
Crystallizing over and over,
Encasing your mind in fear.
Steer clear of the alcohol because it poisons more than your vanity!
Sanity, modesty
You expose so much more than you realize
Chasing endless pain.
And you, listening.
I told her the key to this lock was to simply feel
Embrace the logic behind our behavior
Understand her own pain.
Show me an addict and I will show you pain.
Unimaginable, clutching pain.
The loss of a limb inside.
Hands working but frozen in fear.
Mouth moving yet no words stir.
No air, no muscle, no, nothing.
Distrust, betrayal, boundaries, walls
Begin the addict journey.
Someone was too much of an asshole
Touched too ungently
Maybe she bloodied your 7-year old nose?
Maybe his hand rested too long on your unformed chest?
Maybe her dead eyes stared at you screaming 911 and you couldn’t move to save her life?
Gunshot took his life before the 25th birthday?
Boyfriend fucked your mother?
Dad was doing more than hugging that guy but I never told anyone watching turned me on?
We all live in a sewer at times.
Collectively swallowing the bile of shame
Shame meant to be covered in anger,
Sarcasm,
Thinly veiled quips,
Emotional armor.
I cannot trust my parents to save me.
But these drugs can save me.
So I swallow another pill.
Pour another glass of wine.
Fuck another stranger.
Masturbate in another meeting.
Play one more round.
I’ll only spend $20 more then walk away.
I was going 107, officer?
No, your honor. I thought she was 18.
What other secrets do we share?
Do I dare?
No. You already know.
And if you forgot what is worse, congratulations.
You mastered a skill I never could– repression.
How many parties have we missed?
Appointments dropped from our calendars?
Accidental nudity again?
I said something I regret and my child hates me.
I never stood up for myself.
Death is my sweet, sweet release.
But I am a coward.
If this feels familiar, then feel.
Embrace that rise, that upwelling in your stomach.
The familiar squeeze in your jaw.
The surfacing of a past long forgotten.
Now your pulse hammers steel
Forging an unforgettable discomfort
You’ve known since childhood.
Feel.
Release.
Trust.
Puke.
Release.
Cry.
Break.
Lose it. Just fucking lose it.
Please.
And like riding a bike, learning a language
Or rhyming for a test,
You can learn to replace your drugs
With me.
And humans.
Who will touch safely!
Love truly!
Feel empathy!
Share their souls with us.
It is possible to unlearn and unfuck the past.
And that pain will not be easy to bear.
Hear me, human.
This will hurt.
So will diving with piranhas.
Grabbing electrified fences.
Diving into campfires.
Slitting your wrists.
Snorting another line.
Sneaking out of another bed.
Breaking another keyboard.
Emptying another bottle.
Losing another friend.
Never talking to your parents.
Dying alone.
Pain is all we know.
So stop running
And in the stillness of the volcano, the tsunami, the earthquake, the bile, the tears, the crushing weight on the chest...
You must embrace the pain
And feel until one day you awake
Smiling
Fearful but OK
Sober
Free
Clear
Clean.
Please?
12 Dec 2021
Christopher Loflin
This is meant to be uncomfortable. You never know, throwing up might actually make you feel better.
