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Barriers

Melting, melting, my barriers are melting away...
old beliefs formed as a child begin to shift & sway
as truth comes forth to replace these lies
I move past this victim role & begin to thrive.
 
I express gratitude for your presence,
and how it supports my growth.
Your deep reservoir of love
reminds me that mine, too, is full.
 
My heart is finally open & exposed,
no longer fearful of dangers posed.
I lay my head on your shoulder, eyes closed
as you express your excitements about wisdom proposed.
 
It all makes so much sense,
but the journey taken is blurred.
Another mystery of life revealed;
our curiosity undeterred.
 
As quickly as this blissful moment occurred,
your words formed into a fist
attacking the part of my heart still hurt
from past abuse & loneliness.
 
The walls rebuild themselves
my heart begins to weep;
my mind transforms into hell
the pain is far too deep.
 
I don’t know what I want
or even what I need.
All I feel is devastation
and the desire for you to leave.
 
My insecurities are back
and powerful as ever,
What to do with myself?
too small to measure...
 
Does love generally lead
to revealing my inadequacy?
...struggling with not being good enough
to reciprocate unconditional love.
 
I can’t blame you
for something I asked for:
an honest partnership
not relying on comfort.
 
I guess what I’m wanting is this:
Your desire for presence
to come up more often than when
someone more skilled than I is about to visit.
 
I, too, desire to inspire others to become present with themselves;
ready and willing to recognize their demons and deconstruct hell.
 
But when I’m told that the observance of watching me feel
is enough to help someone heal,
hopelessness fills the entirety of my being...
I want to be more than something worth seeing.
 
I want to know that my worth comes from
more than struggles overcome,
I want my desire to build to outweigh the devastation
that is still being released with every exhalation.
 
I don’t like how many 'I’s’ I’ve used to express what’s within
or how much energy has been consumed with thinking
about the role we play in each others’ lives
I now remember why....
 
It’s not very often I take that leap
of trusting someone else with my feelings.
I want nothing more now than to push you away
so I can continue my life not distracted by this pain.
 
My plea is that you read this and come to understand
why my heart is now covered by both my hands.
I want to move through this together...
working as a team to make both our selves better.
 
My fear is that the barriers have hardened,
that I won’t be able to see my insecurities pardoned
and you’ll be the one who suffers most
for I’m not the only one fully exposed.

(2014)

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