I’ve been thinkin’ a lot about what it means to feel used:
“Used” is not a feeling...
it implies blame to another for my internal experience;
it’s a way of escaping the responsibility I have
and repressing the power I hold
over how I view my world
because I remember all too well
and all too often
that my reality:
a state of suffering
or joy
and the rare moments of equanimity
experienced are
influenced
by beliefs and thoughts
the glass concave lens
through which my mind looks
and my body reacts
not always able to ask for
the heart’s guidance first
and now I get back to why I started this verse:
I’m not feeling used,
just a little confused
and heartbroken
at the realization
that the words I’ve spoken
and the gifts I’ve given
have kept you from learning a lesson.
I haven’t been supporting your growth,
I’ve been chipping away at your foundation
with waves of comfort and adoration...
Expending my energy
to provide for you externally
what you’re needing within,
only to realize that I, too, have been runnin’
from what life is trying to teach me.
I value discovery,
creativity,
and participation,
these help me live in sync with duality
connection, separation
coagulation, dissolution;
concepts not easily grasped
by contemplation alone,
so your hand I unclasp
for I’ve been shown
that we are stagnant when attached
creating hell for our restless souls
honoring our capacity to grow
and transcend beyond
personal enhancement
where every moment we cherish
leads to human advancement.
'Cause that’s why we’re here, isn’t it?
to allow our compassion to permeate our being
until we wish to attain the enlightened state of seeing
for the benefit of everything existing.
A system of offering
and receiving;
where we receive in order to give,
instead of taking in order to live.
Our ego is not in charge here,
it merely shows us where we are
and what limits us from looking at this world
and realizing we are one.
Hearing your words
express your desire to help bring this world to awareness,
can no longer convince me
that you are trying to do this.
And I’m realizing that I can’t assist you in your process
for your willingness to love me
has kept you from seeing what limits your ability
to love the rest.
When I express gratitude for your love
you tell me it brings you a sense of meaning,
to have your love recognized is all you ask for.
I’m asking that you strive for more
cause I’m beginning to question how much was love
and how much was gratitude for my provisions of comfort.
I no longer see you for how you want to be seen
and this brings me pain,
I doubt how much of our time together was reality
because it all seems like a world of fantasy;
enabling each other to live a lie
both of us blindfolded as truth passed us by.
The ability to conceptualize
what you want to actualize
without putting forth any effort to do so...
I can’t help but see you as a puzzling contradiction,
an enigma.
And since you’ve been one of my most cherished reflections,
I thank you for helping me along my journey
but I must say good-bye for now for I continue yearning
to give to more than just myself or us,
to sacrifice for a greater cause
to continue becoming a Bodhisattva.

(2014)

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