Caricamento in corso...

Would not wish it

Would not wish it

I write this with great hesitation, it is still even now such a painful situation,
to carry you inside and feel you grow filled me with pride. I was under huge scrutiny during a time that should have been enjoyable and nice but the pressure was to much and I paid the price. I worked really hard, my mental health, my lifestyle,  I had to keep it all nicely contained but when everyone is against you the circumstance became hostile. The scrutiny, pressure, lack of support I carried as well as I could but everywhere I turned I was misunderstood. I had you for 5 short weeks but I was out of strength, had no techniques. they took you away and I hit the floor, this was hurting, right to my core. I wanted to die, I was absolutely in that moment were there was nothing ahead, just a vast empty space. how was I going to fill it, were would you start, you could not be replaced. I took the match and decided it that  had to find a way to end the pain, all the emotions, hurt, weakness and shame. I wake and see the familiar strip light above me, great I failed, now I will live in misery. Im ashamed, lost angry I failed too. Now to hear what I have put everyone else through. How, how could people not understand the pain in our separation, I had nothing to live for it was pure desperation. Not only have I had my baby taken away, I have lost my history, all went up in flames. then off to the hospital to be muted and and observed, this whole thing was becoming absurd. Would any reasonable person expect another to cope with that kind of pressure. how, under all that, could you, get any of my emotions, get any reliable measure? four years on my sweet little girl the grief of losing you remains and has not eased with time, you should never have been taken you are and always will be mine. It is a constant cycle of grief and at times it would be easy if you were just like lyrics of a forgotten song... I would be able to keep moving but I don’t wish you gone, looking back I thought wow, I really have to be strong but its now that requires all my bravery and guts,  society is judging me as a women its an awful lot of judgement and tuts, every two weeks I have  to play mother of the year, to an innocent little girl that having a bond with fills me with utter fear. your with your father and his wife, that hurt, another female, cut like a knife... but now I am tolerant to that pain, keep you at safe distance as I cant risk losing you again.
Daniella Bull

(2014)

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