Sometimes she’s playing and giggling uncontrollably at the stories you share
Or excited about me getting to choose what happens to my hair or pick an exciting outfit to wear
Then the outfit that I created making me make the same face I used to make everyday looking in the mirror
That’s when she appears and the doubt that the love I obtained is just a small smear on the bigger picture
At times I can’t help but to feel her stirring restlessly bitter that I chose the hire ground but maybe that’s my inner teen
Probably because to her the whole world is mean and nobody cared about her cries for help until she would scream and that’s usually when I’m fuming with steam and cant help but to spew hurtful things
Pain ruining what I thought could be the future for me because when I was tiny is when I lost hope for dreams
I remember when my granny told me I told her I wasn’t a diva anymore signifying my mothers death doing a number on my hope to be the biggest thing
I was only 7 or 8 at the time but the feelings still feel fresh even though I don’t recall saying that line
I mean obviously my mind has changed drastically from the time but occasionally the frustration of a lack of self love creeps up behind and when you say you love me I’m afraid that you’re lying
Because how can you love somebody so broken, at least in the mending process but nobody is excited about unfinished projects so I tend to project and not believe when you say that I’m more than just a small speck in your whole existence
So sometimes I become distant because what if you behave the same way her dad did and what if you leave me helpless and what if you regret this and what if...
And there she is again, fearful of abandonment so frequent self sabotage becomes evident
Stepping away from people who love me and sticking with people that lust me because it’s easy to predict when somebody shows off rip they don’t need me to be loving because when you do I become untrusting
Because if I already know you don’t care I don’t have to worry about the impending doom of being involved
Because little me loved selflessly and didn’t get the love she gave from what I recall and she was hurt by the people she needed to love her most and realized as a teen that lust doesn’t hurt at all
She appears at times when it’s unfair and irrational because kids are irrational and fairness isn’t something they have installed
So when I’m angry and unreasonable it’s because in that moment I’ve devolved and im sorry if I hurt you because that’s never my intention at all... it’s just
Little me lacked a lot love and had expectations from people who didn’t know her at all
So it’s triggering when you do something that makes me feel like im still small
So can you tell her that you love me and mean it?
Little me really really needs it.