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Sometimes I Ask Myself

Sometimes I think to myself:
What is wrong with me?
Then I reiterate and ask:
What is wrong with the world?
When I was young I was considered the freak
The odd one
The one who didn’t quite fit
I was like that pair of crocs that everybody loved
To hate
I was just sitting on my friend at lunch one day
When one of the boys in my class decided it would be fun to call me a lesbian
At the time being bi sexual was something that I didn’t know even existed
At the time I cared about what people thought of me
The grade 8’s that were 2 years older than me thought it would be fun to torment me as well
I sat in my gym class on the stage curled into a ball holding back tears
When my teacher came to ask what was wrong
I told her that I was fine, just a little upset and she walked away
I spent that year hiding from the students in my school
Being terrified that someone would make fun of me some more
Sometimes I think to myself:
What did I do to be such a freak?
Then I reiterate and ask:
Why is the world not as accepting of others as I am?
I was in my teens when things became too much for me
I was having anger issues
Blowing up at the smallest things because I couldn’t handle them
I turned to drinking
Sex
And drugs
To make me feel happy
Because when you have people wanting to party with you
To drink with you
To smoke with you
And having all these people want to be sexual with you
It makes you feel wanted
Then you realize that it isn’t you they want
But your body
That’s when I changed
I stopped drinking in the morning before going to school
I stopped skipping my English class to get high
I stopped having pointless sex with these guys that don’t respect me as a woman
Let alone as a human
Sometimes I ask myself:
Why is it so hard to be a woman?
Then I reiterate as ask:
Why is it so hard to be human?
I was engaged when I was 17
It lasted all of 4 months
I was heading back into something that I vowed to stay away from
And then I realized
I am wonderful
I don’t need a man to make me happy
I don’t need anyone to make me feel loved
Because the only love that really matters to me is my own
Yes
Yes I like the feeling of having someone to love you and care for you
Yes I miss having someone that I can call mine
But do I want to have to rely on something that was not as fulfilling as everyone claimed?
I have been single for over a year
I have made mistakes and I have done things that I wish I hadn’t
But I wouldn’t change anything
As a human we learn from our mistakes
And without mine I would not be this strong
Independent woman you see before you!
Sometimes I ask myself:
Why do I put myself through so much?
Then I reiterate and ask:
Why does everyone put themselves through so much?

(2014)

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