October
(A reflection on melancholy)
This is the wicked time of year
I cringe and scream to god in hunted hallows
Unable to breathe, to gasp
My demons clasp my throat
Where sins are remembered
And I sink in the mire and muck
Sleeping beneath as a cure
This is the evil time of year
Where all become as strangers
Greeting and salutes
Meaning nothing
For those souls who have felt joy on that day
Seem a grave reminder of painful October
Seated in cold furniture like a convict
Awaiting the final walk down silent corridors
This is my cruel time of year
Where I break inside
Flush with new hurts I ignored
These bright months before
Come rushing like waves
To madness bubbling at the surface
I forswear my October
I’ve never been strong enough to bear
These 31 days of torment
This is the witching time of year
Meeting new people
Who I have to not the talent
To be at home with
Or to share a moment
I mutter and show fronts
Because I’m too afraid
To show my bleeding body
And I turn hard and dying
I must away at once!
This is my burning time of the year
That drug, my melancholy
Drips into my heart like a furnace
Drinking the silence in me
Like an extinguishing flame
To consume my soul
As I drift into nothingness
Pushing away that day I’m terrified of
This is my chaotic time of year
Inches from death at my commission
I drove my life into drunkeness
To blank the cold off and hot on
Not trapped into those white walls
That steal my mirth and suck my heart
But veins still tremble as I coddle
On the cold floor
This is my lonely time of year
Where I see the retreating steps
And never wonder why
Where I see people who were once
So infettered to my soul
Indifferent as cold steel
I clutch my chest
Leda, I understand
It’s all in October’s plan
This is my dire time of year
Where those ghosts come out
Buried deep in me
Making fun on my purpose
I loved them all those months
And now I scream for relief
Scraping at the wire in my brain
But they hold the wire
And I am under bondage
This is my bitter time of year
Where I lose those I’ve loved
Because they felt not the same
And I grow mad and wish for the sea
To carry me away
To places that I will not fear to tread
Those I am not afraid to look in the eyes
Who undoes me completely
With a certain glance
This is my worst time of year
Because I’ve never been able to forget the pain
The abandonment on that day
That was suppose to be about me
So I drown in pillows
Wishing the hours away
Hoping next year this day never comes
But I have tried to be optimstic
So I am no tommy
But October, you have never been my friend
I have to stop loving you
