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I'm Sorry

This truth
It will destroy you
An August day
While you sweep up rose petals
On our Sun drenched porch
You look at me from under heavy lashes
You say it’s ok
You don’t wish to be without me
It’s ok your always want me
Your never stop
 
I bask in this glory
Thanking God for you loving me
As tears prick the back of my eyes
 
The hand around my heart squeezes a little tighter
Until I am breathless with it
 
In time
There is a difference to us
Making love is no longer rushed
After I look at you looking down at me
But neither of us say it’s pointless
Your days are a little darker,  a little longer
Things a little more useless
I know I did this
As the truth picks away at your dreams one by one
 
At Christmas we pretend we are still happy
Completely in love
While the truth gushes out of me
To your sister in the garden
She says it’s ok your get through this
We both know she’s lying
Inside she’s crying for me
 
I had no right in making you love me
So the hand squeezes a little tighter round my heart
 
Somewhere along the way
Anger rises
The tension surprises us
You begin to resent me
Hate me for letting you love me
 
So the hand squeezes a little tighter round my heart
 
And I am sorry
I loved you when I shouldn’t have
Stayed a little too long
Cared a little too much
I needed this whatever it was
 
Invisibly I collect my possessions
Storing them
They lay in wait
The courage comes at three in the morning on a Tuesday
Silently I gather my things
Wait by the window for a taxi
 
The knowledge erupted
Watching you hold your new Godson
Looking at me longingly thinking
You can never give me this
Tears glazing at the injustice of it
It’s wrong for me to keep you
With me this is all your ever be
A childless man
And I’ve always known
 
You help me with my bags saying nothing
I will never be wife, never be mother
Without  You I’ll never be anything
 
You say your always love me
I say I have to leave
I’m letting you go
Giving you a chance of what I can’t give you
The most precious thing
A family
 
So the hand squeezes a little tighter crushing my heart
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