Her Struggle
I hear others when they think I’m not listening
They say I’m a fragile evolution with enchanting bones
Solid and exquisite beneath my skin
I don’t believe them
All I want is to be thin
They say I’m an impeccable perfection
But they don’t understand that
I starve myself for my own protection
Emptiness is pure and emptiness is safe
They say that I’m too thin and I’ve lost too much weight
They say I’m a waif-like artist
But the risk feels like a dream
They say I have paper-doll fragility
But none of this seems real
They say that as each day passes
I become more brittle
But I don’t believe the sharp contrast
They say I’m balanced on a wire between safety and destruction
But self-harm enhances me
They say I’m living a precarious life
and that I jeopardize it all for a gap between my thighs
They say I’m infected, dominated, battered
by the mindset that they say controls me
They say my perception is altered and my reality is distorted
that my thought make me believe what they want me to see
But food is poison and food ruins me
They say it’s internal persecution
But I just want to be free
They say it’s incessant bullying from the inside
But a bully I can’t see
I’m hooked to an emptiness that’s strong, sublime, clean
I have an ambition of weightlessness
They say it’s such a futile dream
They say I’m as light as a fallen leaf caught on a breeze
that I’m a pure feather-like perfection
It’s an unachievable aspiration
The mirror reveals such distorted reflections
They say I have a venomous voice deep inside my head
It suppresses reality and penetrates my dreams
It torments and taunts and stifles silent screams
They say I have an invisible killer deep inside my own head
that has its own secret agenda and will not rest until I am dead.
(2013)
