2:24 am
2:24 AM
There are nights when I lay face down in the pillow hoping I will calmly stop breathing; because I don’t deserve to.
No one made me feel this way. I wasn’t perfectly happy until someone came along and crushed that happiness like fragile shells that crashed onto the shore, acerbically dragged in by the tide.
No, I deserve to feel this way.
When it’s not occupied, my brain immediately opens the endless list as to why I’m unhappy; and somehow the reason as to why those things don’t exist is because of me.
Because I am not pretty enough,
not thin enough,
not talented enough,
not good enough,
not happy enough...
I will never be happy.
And I convince myself it’s my fault.
The only thing I want in life
is to be loved
Because I cannot love myself, I need someone to do it for me.
Because I can never find a positive characteristic both inside and out,
I need someone to find it for me.
Because I can’t see the light out of the dark tunnel
that’s become my mind,
I need someone to show it to me.
I need someone to save me.
It’s an awful thing, to depend on something.
It’s even worse when it’s someone.
But nothing is as cruel as needing to depend on someone’s love.
It’s put best by Shakespeare, who once wrote, “If music be the food of love, play on. Give me excess of it that, surfeiting, the appetite may sicken and so die.”
I don’t want to long for love from anyone but myself.
Love once ruined me.
It cut through my soul
with a piercing vengeance that I did not deserve.
Ever since then, I haven’t been able to let myself love, or let go.
Let go of the love I once felt that broke away from my suffocating grip.
Let go of the shame,
guilt,
and betrayals that dissipated my happiness. Let go of the blame I put on myself for losing that love.
This loss of love did not merely happen once,
but is a reoccurring theme in my life
It makes sense to be that I wish for nothing but to love and be loved. But when you want something so badly it hurts, you won’t receive it.
Why should you?
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