One year ago the catastrophe of heartbreak led me to finally return to my Christian Faith.

I am still just coming to terms with that and working to accept what happened.   I have no choice.

Possibly the most important thing I have learned this past year is there is a major difference in my plan versus God’s plan.

But,  considering this,  God’s plan for anyone is that we as individuals realize that we alone are utterly insignificant.  God doesn’t necessarily have a plan for any person, other than that person believe and obey the commandment to love God more than anything and love your neighbor as yourself.

I’m still working on both. I can’t say I love myself in a way that isn’t arrogant,  but I’m learning.

I will be unable to “love” any person at all until when and if I can love myself. Not in a conceited, narcissistic way... posting pictures, ironic witty writings, memes, or whatever, but just being “happy” with my life and what I have.   Happy it’s sunny and I can walk today.  Happy I’m blessed to have nice music equipment and can work on that today.  Happy I taught a good class today and (hopefully) reached some young minds.

Happy.  No, I don’t need a lover to keep me happy.  I used to believe that.    I was not thinking in God’s terms, I was thinking in my own.

Another person or romantic partner can never be the SOLE source of happiness for a person.   If you feel like “I can’t live without so and so” then you are lost and primed to be emotionally devastated like I was about this time last year.

It still hurts me.   I still get angry.  I feel jealous.   I feel betrayed.  I now realize those feelings ARE Satan.

I pray harder on those days and ask for help recovering.   You can’t sense that happening immediately, but in time, you do realize how much Jesus HAS helped and pulled me forward.

As a result,  and I’m being honest too,  this is the “happiest” I have ever been.  I’ve never been happy.  I’m still not “Happy,” but I’m less unhappy.

Some Scripture can be, off-putting, and a few weeks ago I had an outright mental revolt and near return to Nihilism. I felt the whisper of the Holy Spirit one night spontaneously,  “Matt .....you are being ridiculous and letting your emotions overrun you.   God loves you.”. I wept before falling asleep.

I have read and listened to pods and books about living a righteous life, something I used to just laugh or scoff at.  This year I am trying to put that into practice....avoid sin.  It’s worthwhile.  Cleansing.   I go longer and longer in periods without sin.

Tangibly I feel it has helped me cope with my health challenges in many ways.

I am moving forward with music, my primary passion,   something I enjoy and is necessary for my “happiness”

I am learning studio production with Presonus. I have made a lot of gains!  Mastering is my last piece to learn.

I keep up my home and take pride in it.  I study theology and / or literature daily.  I’m content being a professor, but I’m applying here and there too. In any case, I will retire at 59.5, but after my mom died, I just quit working for nearly a year.  I will say that is a bad idea and will bring a person down. We all need to be actively productive, somehow.

Overall I’m in a drastically better place than I was one year ago.  I wish I could go play live music, but that isn’t realistic. I will keep recording because I enjoy it.

I feel like I am existing as the real me for the first time and there have been growing pains.  But layer by layer, old skin sheds off as the yeast continues to permiate the bread.   The fears and anxieties I have had in the past just don’t have the same impact.

Turning is the first step if you even have the slightest notion.  It may take a severe health issue or emotional devastation ( like in my case. Health wasn’t enough)...to bring about that change.

These days....I’m less about grand claims and more about small gains.   Belief in Eternity is a positive step and truly is our only defense in this carnal and wicked world, bent on making you agitated at this or that.

I no longer care about such things.  Don’t care about sports.  Don’t follow celebrities Don’t worship rock stars.  Don’t support this or that politician, or whatever...

I have learned we cannot force God’s plan.   Being how I am... I want to.   But time and time again when I have thought “Oh. This IS definitely God’s Plan!!!....it isn’t, or wasn’t, and that can be discouraging.

But again,  through Biblical study, the plan is people love God more than anything and their neighbor as themselves.    That is it.  Period.   But if a person is not doing that, then that person is not part of God’s plan.    They are not one of God’s people.

I am thankful I made the decision to COMMIT to being one of God’s people one year ago (I have always been a Christian).

I exist here in the real world day to day,  and the best way I can describe ”God’s Plan" is for me I need to do everything I can to stay productive,  healthy, and happy.

By doing those things, I believe that the word “happy” is plausible for me.

Wonder what I’ll have to say next year?