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When I look toward the future,
honestly,
I see hardships and
pain and
uncertainty.
I see things I don’t know
how to handle
and that terrifies me.
The future terrifies me,
because it means change.
And I know that life
basically means change,
but life terrifies me too.
It’s all full of fleeting moments,
and fleeting is no good for me.
I want solid.
I want permanent.
I have this
problem
of getting attached to
everything and
everyone I see
in literally a matter of
seconds.
That’s why people notice that I
“love everyone”,
and that sounds great,
but it’s really
rather painful.
Because when I love, I never,
never,
do it halfway.
I always love
100%,
but very rarely do I get
100%
back.
Imagine how that feels,
going around
always hopelessly
in love
with  everything you see,
but knowing
no one is hopelessly in love
with you.
It’s quite a lonely way to live.
But anyway,
I was talking about the future.
See, I run from it
even on paper.
I try to see it
as full of bright,
shining opportunities,
but I always fail.
You see,
this is what I know
about the future:
—I’ll move out of this house
—My siblings will move away
—My friends will most likely all move away
—My parents will die
—My cat will die
—I will change
—Everything I know will change
Here is what
I do not know
about the future:
—Where I will live
—Where my siblings will live
—Who my friends will be
—What to do when my parents die
—If I’ll ever find a pet as good as my cat
—If I’ll change for the better, or worse
—If everything I know will change for the better, or worse
Now that I write it down, I feel stupid.
I probably won’t show this to anyone.
But nevertheless,
It’s true.
Everything scares me
because everything can hurt me.
Everything can change.
I go to bed each night
and fear the day ahead.
I fear the sheets that hold me
for they will not last forever.
Nothing lasts forever.
I’m an idiot.
Goodnight.

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