Epiphany
Maybe it was was the 7 sleeping pills I swallowed,
but last night I woke up at 1:36 A.M.,
with the overwhelming feeling that my head had been set ablaze.
None of my attempts to stop the burning sensation that had consumed my brain had any effect.
Eventually,
when I realized that nothing was going to make a difference,
I came the conclusion that I had brought this pain upon myself,
I had taken the 7 sleeping pills,
and it was only right that I be forced to suffer the consequences.
So I retired to silently enduring the awful sensation,
though many times I found it hard not to scream,
the pain was so strong.
But somehow,
amidst the flames,
I noticed that there was another pain that I was not feeling.
Perhaps I noticed it because I had become accustomed to feeling this pain at all times,
and I found it odd that it was gone.
The need for you had left me.
I smiled.
Because even though my mind was being swallowed up in agony,
my hands no longer ached to feel your skin,
and my heart was no longer burdened with the constant yearning for your presence,
and my lips did not burn with want of yours.
I was free.
At last.
You see,
It’s been a while since I was strong enough to stand on my own two feet.
I think I was clinging to the idea that I needed you,
because I was afraid.
I was afraid of admitting the fact that I was ready to face the world on my own,
because then it would be my fault if I fell down again.
When you’re constantly leaning on other people and borrowing their strength,
it’s much easier to blame them when you fall.
Admitting the fact that I didn’t need you meant taking full responsibility for my own mistakes
and that terrified me.
So I held on to you for dear life,
and I’m so sorry.
And I’m sorry that it took me having my head burst into flames at 1:36 A.M. to realize it.
I’m letting go of you now,
You’re free to leave if that’s what you want.
Don’t get me wrong,
It’s not what I want,
and it’s not that I never wanted you.
I did.
I do.
You’re beautiful and my opinion of you has not changed.
But there’s a critical difference between wanting someone and needing someone,
and I’m proud to say,
I don’t need you anymore,
I’m not scared anymore,
and I can finally stand
on my own.
