Afraid of Summer
Would you hate me if I admitted I was afraid of Summer?
The blossoming trees, and bright blue skies of Spring -
remind me of when we first met.
I can smell the flowers, and hear the birds sing.
How can something so beautiful, bring pain?
I sit on my balcony, and cosy up here -
with a blanket and a beer.
I turn off my phone to pause time.
But time keeps on going– and I can’t keep up–
with the never ending changes that surround me.
You’re back around and its bitter sweet.
New memories form, as old ones fade.
I lay next to you, till I wait for me to be someone new to you.
I watch the sky turn from black, to orange, to blue, to purple, to black again.
The city lights look like stars, and during the day it’s a mirage.
I bare my legs and my vulnerability– I say everything I feel.
Apparently everything is just fine for you.
One day I feel absolute serenity -
one day I am so anxious I feel my insides
wanting to escape my body.
I cannot keep up with these emotions.
I want to see my reality for what it really is.
The fantasy sometimes feels better than the truth.
Friends come by and sit with me as we watch the sunset.
Friends come by to listen, to music and our words.
Friends come by to sleep on my couch.
People come by to deliver food.
Friends talk to me on zoom call therapy.
Friends bring me out the house.
You bring me something warm when I sleep,
something to wake up too.
But its few and far between.
Do you manipulate the power of how much
you mean to me?
As the weather gets warmer will I see you less?
Will you see someone else more?
Will I have to go through what I did before?
I shut it all off– and hide from the world.
Just for one more day.
