We have this preconceptiom– that once we reach our
goal things will become infinite– easily accessible.
The world will be somehow ours.
The funny thing is– besides the acts of the karmic nature of the universe.. the world doesn’t owe us anything.
I’ve reached a goal or am reaching a goal – living it currently –
a so called dream job– or so it seems to appear that way on paper.
A goal I’ve had for years yet I still don’t feel like I’ve fully grasped it or have attained it yet.
Once you start to reach the goal, or decide on the goal... you feel some sort of “high” a passion so to speak.
But, nobody tells you that once you obtain this goal..that it isn’t the end? That once you get there you actually have to do the thing you been trying to do. That it’s not only the story about the journey to the destination, it’s actually about what you do when you get there.
I never thought that people would be able to see how much I despise myself– but now I am put out there in the open, and I cannot hide from it anymore. You can see right through me.
You have faith in my passion and drive, you can see what I can do, but for some reason I haven’t been able to deliver.
As the imposter syndrome kicks in– I keep trying to tell myself
“I am a creative” “I am a designer” “I am not a fraud”
“I deserve to be here.”
How can I fill up my creative cup– sitting alone in my room fantasizing about things that do not yet exist?
I need to get out of this rut– I need to see something new in order to create something new. Something not washed out. Something that sells...
The universe keeps throwing random people off the street that need me...
They need my food, my money, my phone to make a call.
I have been giving it. Not saying this to brag– but It’s actually kind of selfish. I’m doing it so the universe will give me something in return. However, I just realized something.
The universe isn’t trying to make some sort of transaction.
The universe is trying to tell me I am still needed out there -
people need me. People need us. That I should keep trying,
because what else is there left to do?
Maybe thats the actual goal here– do not give up.