Who knew, doing what is best for you can be incredibly isolating.
I’ve heard of stories of people breaking free to start their life of their dreams.
I guess I romanticized the cutting ties, that the universe would
suddenly manifest all the right people in my life.
Then I wonder when my phase of karma would hit, for my impulsive actions.
How can we love people that are so clearly wrong for us?
Maybe because we know deep down nobody is really that bad.
I’d get mad and talk ill of you as a way to process the situation, to validate my choice.
But, at the end of the day– when the emotions settle, I can never be angry, just sad.
I’ve always had pride in myself for acting authentically. For being truly me.
But, then I realized it’s more than my personality, or clothing or activities.
It’s how I showed up for other people, myself, and who I surround myself by.
The things I am saying to myself, about myself, to people about people.
I always had pride in feeling like I am a good person.
I had this person around me, who never made me more conflicted in my life.
I loved them dearly. Their smile, their perceptions of the world, and society, their need for community and also being alone in nature. I related to them in so many ways.
I felt safe with them at times, as we lay together in bed and slept together or when I held their hand. I didn’t care that they weren’t ready for anything more– I just rather them be there than lose them. I didn’t realize the person I’d become when I started neglecting my needs. I did not prioritize them. But I accepted what was going on, the confusion– the inconsistent behaviour.
The things they did to not lose me. I felt isn’t that love? They would do anything to keep me around even if it was maybe a bit manipulative? So we would mirror that behaviour to each other and reach an emotional codependency. I felt all my validation from them, and I think they mirrored a lot of that same feeling. I think they saw me as a version of them they wanted to be, and if I’d reject them it’s like they could never attain that for themselves and to be honest I felt the same way about them. So together we could have it, without really having to reach for it or reaching for it if it failed – cuz it was right there in front of us – easy. It was everything but easy. I’d confess to people and vent about how I felt about the connection.
The inconsistency, our fights. The things they’d say to me sometimes. I’d vent a lot, mostly about the bad and not really about the good. My feelings for them and their lack of commitment to me started to eat away at me. I told myself, this is your ego talking, you wanted this person back in your life so accept what they can give you and be grateful. So I showed up to like I was okay with it. I mean I would confess to them my concerns, but it always got stressful so I’d put it aside. I felt guilty– they finally wanted to meet my friends, everyone.
I finally got to a point to convince people this is what I want– I want you to support me.
I felt like I was no longer being authentic, because I had to please both parties. My family who wanted me to move on and the person that I loved. Both having unrealistic expectations of me– me trying to please both and neglecting myself. I felt trapped and farther and farther away from myself till one day I broke. I snapped. It all came flooding out, so I do not advise this.
I acted in a way I wasn’t proud and I snapped because I wanted to be like “please hear me”.
Or maybe it because I didn’t want to hear what they had to say because I was done.
I felt bad after tho, I mean yes they confused me but I went along with it. I accepted it or wanted to. After an entire week of fighting on how we both perceived that night. For my family distancing myself from me even when I did the one thing they wanted me to do they don’t believe me. I guess the boy who cried wolf. I’d say I’d leave but I always went back to you.
So I ended things. For now. Everyone says FOR GOOD RIGHT? But I said for now, I wanted to end things or pause things amicably with you. I’m sorry for speaking ill of you. I just wanted to know I wasn’t going crazy, I didn’t know what to believe anymore. How can I feel so hurt by someone I love? So in letting you go, I felt I wanted to be alone. I’m not sure if it is a self punishment, but I am afraid to go out there and move on and find what is better for me. What if they realize the truth about me? That I am not really all that good? My illusion of self perception has been shattered because I have realized I relied solely on the validation of others that I lost myself. They all spoke for me and my feelings regarding the situation. “Your not confused, you just don’t want to do the hard thing.” Speaking about it boils my blood so I’d rather not go there. Last summer the same thing happened, the last thing I wanted was this.
I coulda fixed it– we could still do all the things we wanted to do. I can’t even list them here because it would make me sad. But everything we wanted, that trip the concert all the things I wanted when we were actually together. But, the truth is I can’t be friends or in a grey area with someone I’m in-love with. I can’t wait around for them to decide, its been me. It’s been over a year and you are still unsure. So the one thing I need to be sure of is me.