Waking up every morning with this tension.
Going from my chest, all the way to my stomach.
Resembling a giant knot, like the ones that
keep the boats tied up close to shore.
The boat I would always get on
to drive me back home to you.
Unable to let go of this boat.
Unable to let the boat set its course
without me on it.
Would feel like an initial weight off me.
A relief almost, a freedom?
But as soon as I watch it set sale,
off into the sunrise, and into the ocean -
I can only imagine it reaching you...
New people going onto that ship.
People that aren’t me, people I know
and people I do not.
Wanting to let that ship go,
I fear this particular moment.
Going out to the dock and waiting for a ship
that will never come back.
Being stranded on this island alone without you.
Just to release the tension inside of my chest,
that boils inside my stomach.
Just for a moment.
Seeing you on that boat, enjoying the company
celebrating new energy, new life that you brought to it.
While I sit here alone, contemplating where to go next.
How come every time I got on that boat to you,
the waves would come crashing in on me.
A storm would come and swallow me whole.
Even if you sit there waiting for me, I cannot get on that boat.
I cannot come towards you. I need to find another way home.
Maybe I’ll realize I am not on an island,
maybe I’ll need to find a bridge,
or a train or new people and new passengers.
It’s a lot more work when for me,
while you stay on that boat.
But, there is no place for me here anymore.
And the only reason people put up with pain, is hope.
You cannot see the sweater when you are just the thread.