choices matter
Lately I have been writing in a more of a journaling style vs. typical writing style.
I am just trying to get this "stuck energy" out of my body.
A tarot reader recently said I was not stuck I was in the chrysalids and I am ready to transform
I woke up feeling a heavy weight in my chest and stomach,
almost like a thick wool knot intermingled in itself.
I got up and sat down and tried to breath through it,
—visualizing it releasing.—
I am holding on tight to something,
an energy I allready said verbally “I want to let go of.”
But, you are still with me.
I’ve learned I am very good at convincing.
That sometimes I fool myself and forget,
what it is I actually wanted.
When I sit in silence you are the first person,
I think of reaching out towards, to break it.
But one thing is different today.
The fog is slowly lifting inside my head.
The clouds are clearing, but it isn’t quite
blue yet, just a little less hazy.
I can’t say I have clarity of the mind,
but it feels less heavy and I feel a little less tired.
Physically multitasker, that cannot mentally
focus on too many things at the same time.
Craving simplicity.
When your EGO dies, and you realize dark
parts of yourself, what is the thing you build back up?
I want to feel my body, fuel my stomach and
have my feet planted on the ground.
The duality and paradox of choice.
The hardest one, is letting go of something or someone
you love so dearly, but you know is not serving
a higher good at the moment.
That sounds selfish right? If a person doesn’t serve you -
you just drop them?
No– it’s not like that..
I couldn’t tell if I was anticipating future pain to come,
or just experiencing it in the moment and lying to myself.
You were doing what was best for you,
sometimes I wish you understood my side.
But, sometimes I feel like if you ever said that -
you were afraid you’d be the one person
who would convince me to leave.
You said you were always afraid of losing me,
but then I wondered to myself.
What were you doing to really keep me around?
Or maybe just maybe you were doing as much as you could.
The guilt stems from, it was not enough for me -
and I deserved more than the bare minimum.
Or so I am told, but I am not even in the place where I believe that yet.
I keep picturing my worst fear– you with someone new.
Everything that I could not be for you.
Your friends cheering you on saying,
“yes you finally found a person who treats you right.”
In order for that to happen I believe even if you see it or not -
some part inside of you would have to change too.
This can’t be all my fault to carry.
But, if I curb the fear of facing everything that I am not.
I try and tell myself, if I really love you.
I hope that you find someone who truly understands you.
But enough about you and your needs.
Is it selfish to just think of mine?
Someone new has shown an interest in me.
Someone I could be interested in too, someone who is not you.
The feeling is weird and I feel like I built up a wall.
Not letting them get too close.
But, part of me is curious. Part of me wants to see what it feel like,
to be really wanted. To be a choice and not an option.
Regardless of what happens or not with them, they are the stepping stone,
to show me that I can cross to the other side.
I am sure it won’t be perfect and there will be hurt.
Sure that maybe this person could also be another lesson.
The tarot reader told me, they believed in quantum shifts.
That things needed to be big and explosive, in order for the
perspective to change. In order to see things in a new light.
The universe shifting you to move, and if it wasn’t “big”
you might have sat there right where you were.
There are no right or wrong choices– just choices.
That you must trust if that was the choice you made in the moment.
That was right for you at that point.
Maybe not forever, just a shift in focus.
A rewiring of the brain.
