What Is Love?
The question that I ask myself everyday
How is ones heart supposed to feel?
What is a new beginning?
What is starting over?
How does one begin to think of starting over?
For nine and a half years I’ve put up with some crazy shit
From random bitches to lies to financial issues
I’m just tired
I’m tired of giving my all and getting nothing in return
I’m tired of putting up with childish bullshit
I’m tired of the infidelity
I’m tired of being played for a fool
I’m tired of loving someone and having to question if they truly love me
I can’t say that things were cool in the beginning because honestly there were some signs
…so many signs….
…but love made me think otherwise
Does that make me a fool?
Does this make me stupid?
Does the love that I have for this man make me less of a person?
I’ve let the things that this man has done to me turn me into a person
That I’ve always vowed not to be
I’ve done some things that I’m not proud of and although I should have no regrets
There are some things that I wish I could take back
It seems like resentment is all I have in me
“I only give you a hard time, cause I can’t go on and pretend like I haven’t tried to forget this but I’m just too full of resentment”
Those lines, I live by
they speak to me
As is they were written specifically for me
So…how can I change things?
You know, that was something I used to ask myself over and over
I used to blame myself for all the hurt I go through
But I’ve finally come to realize that it wasn’t all me
I’ve been holding on to people and things in my life that just should
Have been let go a long time ago
Holding on to hurt, pain, grudges and resentment…only leads to more hurt, pain and a lot more anger
I believe that everything in life happens for a reason…including the death of a child…
…to sit back and think that if “you” would have made it, you would almost be 9.
There’s not a day that passes where I don’t think of you
It hurt me so much to say goodbye to you but I’ve come to realize
That there were other plans for you
What hurts even more is keeping everything inside
This is a secret that not many know of..
When I lost you, I lost a part of me
A part of me that I don’t think I can ever get back
So again I ask…
How does one begin to even think of starting over?
Starting a new life…without your baby…and your spouse…
That’s something that’s going to take an immense amount of strength…
Strength that I don’t feel I have
What can I do?
Where do I go?
Who can I turn to?
I don’t have any answers to my own questions
What becomes of the brokenhearted?
When you’ve been there for everyone else…who will be there for you?
I’ve had a very lonely life growing up…
Some would say that I’ve had it good…
and to a certain extent its true…
…but I was and to a certain measure still am a very lonely person…
I was the only child in the house…
I had no one to relate to…
I guess that’s why I’ve been holding on to this man for so long other than loving him…
When we were together I didn’t feel lonely…or should I say at one point I didn’t feel lonely…
…to be continued….
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