My seclusion and my quietude,
My happiness and my solitude,
My paradise and my contented home,
My royal kingdom with me upon the throne.
‘Tis I, the ruler of my thoughts,
The only one around to call the shots,
Resting on my laurels in front of the T.V,
Watching whatever I see fit to see.
Havin’ a great time while the wife’s away,
Hallelujah it’s time to come out and play.
I can drink rum for breakfast and tea at night,
And watch the grass grow up and out of sight.
All’s quiet on the front ‘til that heavy pounding
Of her heavy feet like thunder sounding,
Up the walk with the look of a wild boar,
Kicking the dog as she comes to the door.
“Oh my one and only love, my one so sweet,”
Says I planting a kiss on her big fat cheek.
I wish she would go away again and stay,
So I can lounge around the house all day.
“Get to work and mow the lawn out there,
You no good lazy bum, and comb your hair,
After you serve me crumpets and a cup of tea.
I’m tired from my trip, so don’t talk to me.”
So sayeth my dear wifey with that big fat mouth.
“Would you like some arsenic in it?” thought I.
“I could say I mistook the poison for the pie.
Then cry at the funeral for my dear sweet wife
Who I’m supposed to mourn all the days of my life.
How could I have ever loved that beast
With that gigantic mouth and those pounding feet?”
Thought I as I ran to the kitchen.