Chem Addiction
For my family; the alive, and the dead.
Let me tell you a story
One you might recall quite well
It’s one that I have never told
I figure it’s time I finally tell
When I was born
I had too much blood
Surgery was needed
And that was enough
I was supposed to be disabled
Down-syndrome was to be
But I was born half way normal
Normal is as you see
The tests ran positive
I ran free
I was lucky
I was a healthy baby
A premature one
By about three weeks
I was small and simple
With tiny hands and feet
I grew up with my family
My mom, dad, the whole crew
My sister included
My cousins and grandparents too
I had problems from the start
I was severely prone to panic attacks
But every time one occurred
My family always had my back
I grew up in a small town
Country at the basic
My grandparents were always around
But there’s no need to fabricate it
My family was strong in bond
But I was not the best behaved
I made trouble for myself and others
I always made mistakes
I liked being alone
Under the shade of a tree
Sooner or later my Papa would come out
And bring me to my feet
He’d carry me inside
Feed me and love me
My wheel-chair bound grandmother
Was always there watching
We all had our ups and downs
But when it came down to it
My mother couldn’t handle the stress
She couldn’t keep up with it
So we moved away
To a bigger town
A new place
To explore about
But what I missed most
Was my Papa and fam
They were my everything
They made me who I am
We visited often
And my Papa ran tired
He worked up to the day he died
Which ignited a soul seeking fire
He had two heart-attacks
I never got to say goodbye
So hear me out when I say
That me at seven years old did nothing but cry
He was a great man
He did his best
He was kind and gentle
And he never got to rest
It was a blame game when he passed
My mother took most
In reality it was not hers to take
The others had no right to boast
My grandmother passed a year later
A bit humbled by that time
Three days after my eighth birthday
And my present was a card unsigned
I’ll tell you what
It was rough
But we got through
And now for more recent events
That I will explain to you
When I was nine I took my first drag off a cigarette
When I was ten I drank till I dropped
When I was eleven I became suicidal
When I was twelve I started smoking pot
Now I know that wasn’t the way to handle things
But I had no clue
Just what those things did to me
Just what those things made me do
When I got into middle school
I started writing like a pro
It made me feel good once again
It made me feel whole
I struggled to make friends
I struggled with abusive ones
The ones who’d hit me and hurt me
And make those stupid embarrassing puns
I stopped going to class
I was scared out of my mind
So I started trying more things
I just didn’t want to be alive
I knew to stay away from needles
I knew to stay away from powders
But pills caught my attention
They made me feel good for hours
Then I’d come back down
And realize what I did
And I’d brutally harm myself
Who am I to kid
But I kept writing
I got better and better
I wrote poems, stories
Even love letters
As I got older
Things got worse
It was a never ending cycle
It was an unbreakable curse
But I pushed on
With pen in hand
I wrote what I felt
I could never write well on command
I grew up a bit
I got hurt a lot
Worse than I would’ve known
Worse than I ever thought
Love is tragedy
Love is ill
It makes you feel unlike yourself
Just like a high from a pill
Then comes the crash
Then comes the burn
Then comes the hate
Trust must be earned
I kept doing drugs
I kept writing too
I also strayed back to the past
A time or two
I think about him often
I think about all of them
But I am not someone they’d be proud of
I’m addicted to the chem
Chemical therapy
Substance the same
It’s a disaster waiting to happen
It’s an already laid out grave
I’ve made many mistakes
I’m no shining star
I’ve left myself wounded
Broken and scarred
I’m terrified of the future
Because of a haunting past
But I know what I want
And I know what I still have
I have my family
What’s left anyways
There will always be new additions
And there will always be new graves
My mom and dad
My sister too
Now know all
Of what I’ve been through
And they aren’t mad
They aren’t ashamed
They just want to help me
They feel to blame
And that’s not it
I’m not the same
I struggle every moment
Every second of everyday
But now I have ground
To fall back on
I have a place to lay my head down
When everything else is gone
I’m now sixteen
Soon to add one
It’ll be a short time
It’ll be less than three months
I’ve come so far
In ways I’m still the same
I will always have problems
But for that no one is to blame
It’s life, it’s me
I’m doing my best
And to have a life as good as mine
I am truly blessed
I have many minuses
But I know I have at least one plus
I have the best family in the world
And my Papa will always be number one
