Four
Open and close and walk away
Fires and thrills, day by day
And the nights grow weary and end with sighs
Growing dead and coming alive
The humming and questions piling up
Since when did I stop giving a fuck?
It’s hopscotch on faces and taking turns
And ignoring the sweet things because they hurt
My colors are bleeding out of me
Dripping in patterns you’ll never see
Rorschach and madness And faking it
Feigning I ever could give a shit
Picking for scraps, I starve and I yearn
Skipping and jumping and taking turns
The nights are The worst and so is the day
And fuck how you feel anyway
I swear to you now that I’ll turn around
I’ll seethe and I’ll mope without a sound
I’ll repeat my mistakes like a pitiful dance
I’ll stop pretending you’d ever give me the chance
I’ll remember who you really were
Not now and not then was I ever sure
And you and him and them over there
You’ve stripped me down until I’m bare
People on strings and caught up in nets
Paper dolls that haven’t meant a thing yet
“So fuck you” He said so long ago
Repeating to others our inside jokes
Seeing the kindness in my eyes
Making me accomplice to your lies
Wounded and willing and what the fuck
However I move I’m perpetually stuck
And I might’ve thought once at least
It would be through you I’d find my release
My warm indifference can be all that you see
I can’t show you now the real parts of me
I’ll smile and bow as I back away
And maybe you’ll notice my absence someday
Shuffling And quiet and rolling my eyes
Sifting through truth searching for lies
Laughing in spite of everything else
Emptying out all the things that I felt
Finding new things to waste away on
Ignoring them all as if they were gone
Blending the images in my brain
Stumbling blind and nearly insane
It’s not you or him or they or them
It’s all of me in my waning grin
And I swear to you now I’ll turn my back
I’ll be half white and three quarters black
And I swear I’ll stop thinking and playing nice
I’ll say hello only once or twice
I’ll tie my thoughts to balloons
And bury them in forgotten rooms
I’ll go on along like it never passed
The numb will come on pretty fast
It’ll happen in pieces you’ll never place
You’ll never hear and faintly taste
And you won’t notice me walk away
You and him and them and they
(2013)
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