I Didn’t Say.
more conversations
what I didn’t say
I loved the way you looked holding onto the peace left inside yourself
when you had nothing left
and that was from across the room.
in the dim light I understood you.
saw you for you
I was not right next to you.
you fell in love with my best
I fell in love with your worst
I fell in love with your end all
you fell for the light and all that is new
didnt you know I was at the end of my own rope.
you knew
I told you too right there
and you said that couldn’t be true
I said wait and see how you feel soon.
and somehow I’m asking myself how did it come to this?
well it’s when you killed my myth.
a human is a human.
how many times you got it so wrong
except in the song.
but thinking I constantly needed this kiss
when it’s just in your presence I glowed.
I didn’t have to have you
needed a friend
just your hand moving near me
as you feared me
and so yourself.
just needed you near me and wish you wouldve let me help
I saw your soul.
never saw you from the outside.
just saw straight through you to your soul
so all your sin was on display from the start
and it made it’s mark.
it’s right here on my heart.
it’s a scar but that’s why it’ll always be a part
of me
and all you saw was my skin
not all the places I had been.
so when my sin reared its head
you ran away from the dead.
never admitting also, you felt in the grave.
that alone had all the pieces we could’ve
bonded over to save
ourselves
it wasn’t about the love
it was about the learning.
maybe about them both.
it set our hearts to burning
anyways.....
oh that’s just another thing you judged before you knew.
I never judged you.
I just looked for another way to pull you from the blue.
now we are both in black.
so what did we do?
well you think I wanted to rush it
think I didn’t respect your time to heal yourself and your own soul.
but it was always my goal
in the first place
because watching you heal yours
healed mine and still would
but I’m sorry its been too obvious you don’t have it
I was looking for a sign
that I could share your presence
if you didn’t mind.
I wasn’t looking for a sign of a fairy tale.
that was another assumption so often in the gray
assumption after assumption
think of every word I say
as a lie
when no Im just like you just trying to get out alive.
looking at the sky
sharing my life with the clouds.
wishing in the stars
while lying prostrate on the ground.
tear away your sound
I couldn’t help it
I needed you around.
not like you thought
I just needed you around.
you don’t think it kills me to know my care only strengthens
while you murder yours on false grounds.
point your finger the other way for once
I don’t need to hear my flaws I live them all month for month.
I don’t tell you yours I have a feeling you know them.
let me tell you of what makes you beautiful instead.
friends do that.
see yourself through my head
my eyes you’d realize what I felt was real.
and it could’ve healed.
I look at you and see nothing I mind.
I hear you and hear nothing i mind too much.
I could never fear this touch
I think of you and the pain of loss is better than the thought of losing what was once
that’s how much.
I really cared.
but I was fair
what I thought I said
only sounded red
only sounded out in the warning to you.
you could not be more wrong.
you wouldn’t believe me if I told you
but this was all we needed.
but give it to you and I
and we will do it like we do everything.
too much, all at once, then not at all.
using eachother like a drug
did we expect to do anything but fall?
but you can always call.
I’ll be here
you can always count on me and call.
maybe in a day, a month a few years.
it won’t ever change dear
youre a part of me now
too bad I didn’t leave a piece of myself with you.
or you didn’t take a piece with you
you did, you just don’t know it.
everything is a paranoid rule for you.
you didn’t have to be that with me
I didn’t have to be that for you.
but you never said a word.
just expected me to know.
and I can’t move for anyone who won’t let me know.
you never let it show.
it’s why I can’t stay and I can’t go.
I wanna give myself a reason to leave
or become the character in your daydream
that I could never live up to.
and I wanna make sure you live to be your best self
with whatever attachment is of need.
I want you to be free.
feel free.
and sometimes I think that’s without me.
in every way.
so I sabotage myself in your eyes
so you’ll realize what’s good for you.
never meant in my own mind I was through.
but I don’t care about my own feelings anymore.
I’ve been living for yours
so tell me what you need
and it’s all there is.
I gave up long ago.
now I gotta start again.
to get off on the right foot and then.
walk it away.
stopped raw
stripped to the bones
I used to love to be alone.
bones breaking under pressure
I became what you hated
why couldnt I?
you put me in your play
if I was that girl what a laugh that would be
what a character you gave me
is that the only way you’d see me?
does that script tell me I wanna die?
your happiness is all that mattered to me
and I was seen as a lie
I loved you with every piece of me
real to the bleeding heart I never had
until I knew us
what we were was criminal
forget it all
walk away, it’s what we do best
I’ll never regret a single thing I confessed
I only wish you’d have walked away before you confessed
what you didnt feel yet
because I cannot lie.
I’ve got to get away to the west
east, north as long as it’s best
a world away from what I have to release
when synchronicity slows down
that’s when I cannot speak
convince yourself of another lie
so you get to stay the good guy
and ill die the bad
well this bad guy certainly felt what they said
is it just the chaos in me?
what can I do?
what can I really do?
to forget all of this
how could I?
how did I?
true to the ghost of you
true to everything i love in you
I can hear you from here
hear your anger in the quiet
felt your love before when it was dark
your confusion that I never set right
and your peace when you knew I loved you
now I feel your relief when from me when you were finally set free.
your relief when you didn’t need me
anymore.
now I’ll simply hear the worst of it all.
silence in the cord cut.
hearing nothing on the wave length
alone.
my lips blow the past of us away.
a solid to smoke
gone as my addiction.
except what we know.
we never needed the phone
just this and we’d still be alive.
you cared or you wouldn’t be reading this.
what the worst is
I can’t live without you.
but you’ll never know.
I didn’t say.
it’s beyond my control.
what I feel is unchanged.
young or old.
I can’t live.
—C.R.S
what a drama queen lol.
pure emotion drip. Strained of all else.
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