Truth Transforms
Force, tremendous force and pressure, weighing me down;
creating feelings of helplessness within.
And fear, paralyzing fear, trapping me in hell;
I’ve become my own worst enemy, again.
Waves of heat flush my head as I begin to hyper-ventilate.
Gasping and gasping for air, my vision begins to fade.
It feels like I’m being violently abused;
beaten to the ground and kicked while I’m down
by some unknown force...
I come to for half a second to recognize this as my body’s way of telling my mind
that I’ve fallen victim to my blessing, making it a nightmarish curse.
I have this strong desire to help people, all of us...
To allow the love within myself to become so powerful
it dissolves our illusion of nations!
Coming from a broken home, lacking in love,
I want this so badly at times, it’s no longer a dream bringing me hope,
but an obligation.
A duty, if you will, to save the human race from the hatred
that has consumed our realities for too long now.
Wow... what an outrageous expectation to put on myself, on any one being.
If you wanna know how to drive yourself mad, that’s how.
Let the weight of the world rest on your shoulders,
and you’re sure to crumble.
Allow yourself to get wrapped up in others’ problems,
and I guarantee you’ll stumble.
I can’t help but laugh, for this isn’t the first time I’ve come to realize this:
In fact, I have a heart-shaped earth tattooed on my wrist
to remind myself of Gandhi’s wise words:
“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
This goes to show how powerful old beliefs can be;
even with beautiful art & helpful reminders permanently inked on my body
I still struggle with inadequacy...
like parts of my mind are stuck on repeat...
Force, tremendous force and pressure, weighing me down;
creating feelings of helplessness within.
And fear, paralyzing fear, trapping me in hell;
I’ve become my own worst enemy, again.
Waves of heat flush my head as I begin to hyper-ventilate.
Gasping and gasping for air, my vision starts to fade.
What I just described for the second time,
the doctors told me I’d need to take pills for, for the rest of my life.
An anxiety attack, sometimes accompanied by flashbacks;
glimpses of my fucked up past coming back.
They show up and I react.
A few years back I started wanting to live my life by a new policy:
one that doesn’t blame others; one hundred percent responsibility.
So began the journey of making peace with my past,
forgiving my alcoholic mom, for she worked with what she had.
Letting go of grudges against the many foster families and agencies,
too absorbed in their own issues to provide me with what I was really needing.
Giving all those psychiatrists a break, for mistreating me and loading me up with pills;
It’s been 2 years since I’ve taken any, and they’re living in this system too, needing money to pay their bills.
External experiences can no longer cause me prolonged misery,
for I am choosing to learn from my feelings,
whether it be fear, depression, or anxiety.
It’s not an easy process but completely necessary
if I’m to come to love me for me,
to establish that inner peace.
So as hard as it is for me to accept,
even in moments of panic I can blame no one else;
the only person hurting me anymore, is myself.
This truth of mine is freeing...
Finally! A belief that puts me in complete control of my reality:
I am responsible for everything!
The peace, love, & joy in my world;
the sorrow, suffering, and pain.
I have the power to give to my world,
I have the power to take.
Power, tremendous power and freedom, lifting me up;
creating feelings of excitement within.
And courage, mobilizing courage, elevating me to a state of action,
I am becoming my own best friend.
(2014)
Piaciuto o affrontato da...
