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Insomnia
Creaks in the walls
Ticking of the clock
Crackling fire
Dad’s radio plays softly in the background
Cats hissing as they begin their midnight wars
Doped up on prescribed medication
For my ‘panic disorder’ and ‘depression’
For it is during the night that my mind awakens
Racing thoughts swirling
Contemplation, procrastination
Clouds floating in and out of my mind
I hear the fridge humming
A constant, predictable sound
Predictability is something foreign to me now
But something I yearn for all the same
I think of Max
Is he there?
Is he watching me?
I feel so ashamed
Wishing I could be someone he would be proud of
Wishing he could’ve been here another day
My foot starts tapping
My face is twitching
I’m going insane!
Exhausted during the day
Full of beans at night
Why do I feel this way?
I look at the clock
Only a minute has gone by
The ageing house creaks
The walls speak to each other in a code I cannot understand
I try to think about the future
The way I always used to do
But I see no future
As hard as I try
I can’t see myself coming out of this depression
I can’t see myself leading the life I planned
White picket fence
Husband and dog
Children playing in the background
I see no such thing anymore
Instead I see a spinster
An ageing woman
Living in her parents house
With nothing to show for all her years
No love
No happiness
No life
Myriad cats there to comfort her
Is this what my life will become?
Is this really all I see?
What a waste
What a disappointment
What a failure
I wish you were here Max
There’s so much I long to say
I was so young when you left us
Now a woman I understand more
But happiness is a choice
And I must lift myself out of this rut
Only I can make myself something
I am the artist of my life
Moulding my journey
And the path I will take
I cannot let it devour me
It isn’t all of me
Only part of me
A section that will open my mind
My heart and soul
To the remainder of the world
That I have yet to explore
These are the things that run through my mind
When the house is silent
Over and over
Like clock work
Constant and persistent
Evoking insomnia in me
(2011)
