The Joyous Malingerer

Who is the happy husband? Why, indeed,
'Tis he who’s useless in the time of need;  
Who, asked to unclasp a bracelet or a neckless,  
Contrives to be utterly futile, fumbling, feckless,  
Or when a zipper nips his loved one’s back  
Cannot restore the zipper to its track.  
Another time, not wishing to be flayed,  
She will not use him as a lady’s maid.
Stove-wise he’s the perpetual backward learner  
Who can’t turn on or off the proper burner.  
If faced with washing up he never gripes,  
But simply drops more dishes than he wipes.  
She finds his absence preferable to his aid,  
And thus all mealtime chores doth he evade.
He can, attempting to replace a fuse,  
Black out the coast from Boston to Newport News,
Or, hanging pictures, be the rookie wizard  
Who fills the parlor with a plaster blizzard.  
He’ll not again be called to competition  
With decorator or with electrician.
At last it dawns upon his patient spouse  
He’s better at his desk than round the house.
Other works by Ogden Nash...