Future me, a letter to past self
I stayed in that dingy apartment for years,
inch by inch it became more and more apart of me.
Little decorations, and plants filling up the rooms.
It was spacious, and old– and it felt lived in.
For a while I resented the place,
it made me think of you too much.
No matter how I shifted the furniture,
no matter how many people I fucked..
the memory of you would still linger.
For a while I resented living alone.
It felt sad and empty,
the walls echo’d
in silence.
I’d hear my neighbours fighting
and fucking -
I resented them.
Lately the loneliness, has turned into freedom.
And the silence became peaceful.
I’d float from friend to friend, person to person, job to job.
But, the one thing that was constant
was that place.
I learned to love 'er.
I raised my love in that apartment,
my soul mate,
my best friend.
I don’t think I realized
the effect a cat would have on my life.
How in some way,
she would save me.
That there would be a moment where I couldn’t image
opening a door in my space and her not being there.
Weighing heavily on my lap as I overate pasta,
and binged every 90's movie that existed.
I’d hold her outside my balcony and show her the sunset.
I’d get high and drunk.
I’d over bathe, and over vacuum and cry.
I’d throw little parties,
and have my best friend over when her parents fought.
I’d bring dates by and show them my view.
The people in the convenience store below began to recognize me.
As I bought smart food, toilet paper and tampons.
I’d pay 3 dollars to tap into the subway
just to go to the bakery near by and buy a wrap.
I’d stare at the skyline and think of you.
And the grief never fades, let me tell you
it just starts to feel farther and farther away.
It was my autonomy that empowered me
at that time.
Shedding old layers of myself,
and accepting the shit
that came my way.
I thought they where the lost years of my life.
But, in that place the place I thought I was
most trapped in...
Was really the place I truly felt the most free.
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