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I want to disappear

I can’t even look at the time or the dates,
because as the days go on the further I am from you.
What could I have done, differently?
Could I have been different?
Was it inevitable?
I wish I didn’t miss you, why did you choose this?
Why do I starve myself, when I have the privilege to eat?
I wan’t to escape, I feel trapped in my body, in memories.
I am no longer a person, I am floating from minute to minute.
You erased me– why did you erase me?
I’ve replayed every conversation, every moment.
I’ve regretted a few, and I’ve cried for days and days.
I am left weak, and left with shame.
I am skin and bones.
I have lost myself, my identity, my meaning.
So many questions left unanswered.
You have become a ghost, yet I can still see you in my dreams.
I am in denial that you have left, sitting beside the door patiently waiting for an arrival that will probably never come.
Are you relieved I am gone?
Am I that much of a burden?
You said you didn’t want to hurt me– that I was the best.
But I’ve never been this hurt, and I feel like the worst.
I want to disappear. The way you made me disappear.

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