Doing fine -
I am not saying i am in love with you,
Nor am i saying i want to take this ahead.
But there’s something here,
And im struggling to let go of it.
I know we said this ends as you leave.
But, here i am, writing my every single thought of you.
Here i am, looking at our pictures, rereading poetry.
Here i am, watching shows, listening to music,
That you recommended.
Im acting like a kid. A teenager. Not an adult.
You’re still my escape, until i let myself dive into it.
Until you become one of them,
One of the things I’m trying to escape.
I’m wiser, and i know, that i know better.
But I’m weak. For the many things I’m standing against.
It takes too much in me, to stand against that which gave me strength.
It hurts me to see happiness now, and to leave,
in the name of future.
A part of me wishes we never met.
Just the way a whole year passed by–
& I knew not of you. That was easier. But–
I wish you stayed. I could close my eyes in your arms.
But what am i doing to you? I ask myself..
This is selfish, a need based behavior? -
Or is there something more, between us.
For i knew not that i needed you. Until i knew–
What it was like to be with you.
Were you just another muse to my creativity?
Another vent, to my countless outbursts?
Just another guy, to be besides me?
Or were you something special, that i can’t let go?
The worst of my fears though is–
That it’s only me, that is struggling.
Its only me, still writing poetry;
Watching the shows, the music
Is it only me in this misery?
Until you called last night–
And i saw your face, that hopeless smile.
What are we doing to one another?
Could we just meet, once again?
And this time, hurt me.
Break my heart, and leave me stranded.
Be brutal, and mean.
That’s the only way my stupid heart will learn.
Im sorry to put this on you.
But im the weakest soul i know.
I know not what i was thinking, thinking I’ll be fine.
Clearly, I am infatuated. Still a lie, it’s maybe more–
But I’m clearly not doing fine!
