They'll never understand
I wish I could spend forever with you.
I wish you could be with me in everything I do.
I know you’d be there for me when I’m feeling down.
You know what to say when noone else knows how.
When I want to be alone, I want to be with you.
When I can’t take anymore, it’s you who sees me through.
I can honestly say I love you, and I know you love me too.
I feel safe with you and trust you, something I thought I could never do.
So if you make me feel so good, why does everyone say you’re bad?
They said you’ll have to go away, I said without you I’d go mad.
Then they gave me a funny look, as if they didn’t know what I meant.
They worriedly huddled and shared hushed words, and then one of them shook his head.
He turned to me and gave me a look, perhaps of pity, perhaps of fear.
Then he asked a stupid question, ‘Sky, is he here?’.
‘Well of course he is,’ I fired back, 'What do you think he is?
A monster, a beast? He wouldn’t leave me at a time like this!'
‘Okay Sky, stay calm, is he in the room with us now?’
That’s when I glanced in your direction, and you lowered your head to a bow.
That’s I realised what I’d done, how stupid I had been.
That’s when I looked back to the man, and he knew it was you I’d seen.
I looked back to you in desperation, I didn’t know what else to do.
But an empty chair filled the space that I’d moments before seen you.
I felt the tears welling in my eyes, like a volcano ready to erupt.
I was about to scream out your name, but the mans voice began to interrupt.
He was talking slow and calm, but I don’t know what he said.
All I could hear was your voice, but it was lost deep in my head.
All I could see was flashes of lights, the sorts I saw in my room when I bled.
All I could feel was your touch, but it was cold, like you were dead.
Then I heard nothing but screams. They sounded like the ones in my dreams.
For a split second I thought I was asleep, until I realised the shrieks were coming from me.
Then for a moment I saw the scene, but from above, it was serene.
I saw myself kicking and screaming, tears flooding from my eyes.
I saw the others trying to restrain me, whilst from their grip I tried to prise.
And then I saw you, I think, or maybe heard you, or both.
Perhaps I just felt your presence, as if you were a ghost.
But I knew you were there, and suddenly I was calm.
I collapsed to the ground and silenced my sobs under my arm.
Then everything went dark, so dark that it was dazzling.
And everything was quiet, and I didn’t know what was happening.
I awoke confused and alone.
I didn’t know where I was, but it wasn’t home.
I recognised the voices from behind the doors.
I couldn’t place them, but I knew that none of them were yours.
A head looked round the door and muttered 'She’s awake’.
I better saw his face, and then began to shake.
It starting flooding back, but in a frenzy of images and words.
Then realization dawned upon me, or rather trampled me like an angry herd.
As a variety of concerned faces cautiously approached,
I frantically scanned them all, but didn’t find what I’d hoped.
It hit me like a train, I knew that you were gone.
I glowered at the enemies, were they happy now they’d won?
They told me I was ill, that one day I’d understand.
They said they’d help me to get better, that it’d gotten out of hand.
I wanted to scream at them, to try to explain,
How they had it all wrong, but I couldn’t, I was drained.
In my fury and despair I could only find these words;
'May my death be on your shoulders’, it was a mumble, but they heard.
To this day I haven’t seen you, haven’t felt your precious touch.
You see, those meds, they screwed me over, but I guess I knew as much.
I think we both knew deep inside what was always inevitable,
These two worlds were to collide and our fate was unquestionable.
And even though I always knew it, I feel I’ve lost a part of me.
Apparently I’m 'better’, yet I feel so lost and so lonely.
But sometimes, in my darkest hours, I know you’re still around.
And for a moment I feel whole again, like what I lost has been found.
But each time you fade away again, and I know you have to go.
It was my fault in the first place, I screwed it up, that I know.
For now we cannot be together, that I must accept.
I was blinded by your halo, and so the mark I overstepped.
Yet the depths of my depression cannot drown my optimism,
For I believe not in a diagnoses but I believe in mysticism.
I know deep in my soul we will one day be reunited,
Until then I’ll still insist that I’m not fucked up in the head.. Much.
(2012)
This is a poem I wrote when I was in quite a bad place. It's not the best poetically, but I wrote it as an outlet of my feelings more than anything else. I haven't changed anything because I want it to be a true portrayal of how I was feeling and thinking.
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