Under new management, hell now consists of friendly fire

I don’t know what being alone with your thoughts is like for you but for me it’s like I’m watching them

I believe in God and I believe in liberalism The tension between these two beliefs

The opposite of bad breath Isn’t good breath It’s fresh breath Because all breath is good So, you never have to hold your br…

We ask people How are you doing? because it’s the easiest way to prevent them from actually telling us how they are doing

I can only ever seem to do the math in the aftermath

You can cash in on your talent You can cash in on your good looks You can cash in on your hard work You can cash in on your good luck You can even cash in on all four

Life is a talent show where most everyone is doing bad versions of easy impressions

No one loves a woman like her man and no one loves capitalism like its Marxists In each case

Life’s greatest mystery is how other people could possibly have as little interest in my Spotify playlists

When at last Our time comes Just as we realize the need To give things time It will have come to pass

My life used to be An open book Now it’s an open state secret

When I die I’m go– ing to donate my body to pseudoscience

If you want people to Languish, Control their Language If you want people to exercise the…

Darth Vader. Only you could be so bored.