Acceptance
“Why can’t you just fucking take it, Chris??”
You’d think the metallic bat in your hand was the problem.
You’d think it might be that loaded 9-mil.
You might even question if I’m discussing your strap-on that mysteriously popped into existence from behind your back.
I don’t swing that way but swings are fun when you learn to invert gravity
And in that briefest of moments
You are not falling up
You are not falling down
But floating along a memory.
See why do we do these things?
It wasn’t a danger in the sense
That my physical safety was threatened
Because you didn’t have a bat, nor a gun, nor a phallic representation of your assertiveness.
No.
You said I was beautiful and I hate you for it
Because deep down inside I do not deserve
To have you squelching my desire to ink myself
Tagged into doom and victimization
Elation in dread
Coupled nightmares as a couple is a nightmare.
Attach myself to danger? I AM danger.
Attach myself to future? Where only I exist.
Attach myself to want? I want to feed.
Attach myself to lust? I cannot abandon.
So my soul spits in your face
Despite the lace
And curls
And amazingly spot-on eyeshadow
Layered like a beautiful sunset
All for me
Because I am yours
And you knew I held you imprisoned
Your heart floating free in its cage
No locks
No windows
No room to panic
Nowhere to flee
When you say “Come into me.” there are so many ways
To move from that center.
I found myself there, powerless and powerful
So fucking full of myself
Stuffed to the brim and my seams are coming undone
Much like the tension in my pants
Because I lust after everything you exist for.
And I couldn’t just take it because I don’t deserve it.
My existence here is questionable
Lamentable to exist yet ponderous I find
Beauty in every moment
Except when you find beauty in me.
I cannot envision this world
Despite how naked you are to me
Despite despising those that came before you for simply existing.
I am threatened not by your hand but by my own power.
Why is that your fault?
You care, you love, you mesh, you gel, you compel
Me to find the answers
But how can I swat away a butterfly?
That’s so miserable and sad.
Am I even mad or is this just a well-tread path
Through the valleys of my mind?
We’re flowing like water down here
Drowning in despair
But it’s knee-deep
And all I have to do is stand up.
Because fear is the mind killer.
I am obliterated in the unknown.
I do not know you
Because I fear you.
I do not fear you because I do not know you.
Speaking of getting my ass handed to me,
Are we going to do this or what?
Go on. Say those magic words.
Say pretty please so I can remember the man I am
And you can be the woman you so willingly already are.
~C
My therapist challenged me to write a poem about why I cannot accept compliments. She's a clever one. I do not fear my poetry.
