Monster
I came to you on a Tuesday
Full of wonder, fight, poise and joy.
I left you on a Monday
I was never the same.
Your eyes gripped the paper
Ballpoint pen flurried in the wrist
Twisted knives in those opal eyes
As I became a memory.
I didn’t know what to say to you
Because I didn’t know what was done to me.
I lapsed in my judgment
As I flew coach to Missouri.
Our hearts often leading us to the dreams we chase:
Thinking I felt love
When loving so much that I thought.
My tongue was tied in knots for 7 years
When I finally saw that night for what it was:
Rape.
Why take Danielle seriously?
She had eyes more beautiful, more mystical
And despite her hair and Army desires
She warned me.
“Stay away from me or I’m going to rape you.”
What boy would understand the horrific truth?
She hands me a beer as we land at the party
Hardly much of a buzz but plenty of children w/ stars in their eyes.
Children I’ve come to despise for their lack of control.
You fucking stole my virginity
A precious gift only for me
To divulge and parade around
Like the fucking prize my love is.
A child snuck their way into my heart and destroyed me;
Forged me, hammer striking a fusing soul
Soon to have its perennial flame doused
Hardened, shell-shocked and hammer cocked.
Waiting in silence
For a tragic killer of souls.
I lost control that night and the worst version of me showed.
He danced on a stage of girls, condoms, alcohol and 7-Up.
He pranced naked into another soul without any concern in the world.
Door busts open and sheets are thrown over my naked ass
Round and muscular for all the children to see.
The stupid kids drugging themselves and their future.
The night was spent as an ocean’s sigh:
Undulating, lapping, wave upon wave of wrongfulness
Each choice orchestrated upon the last leading to the collapse
Of an empty love into a not-so-empty condom.
The romantic I am
Illusion shattered
As April’s voice pierces my wrecked consciousness
It’s time I go, it’s time to go.
I thank my muse for her siren song
And as the waves crash so too does my ego.
No comprehension necessary
No comprehension possible
Because someone shut me off:
Their energy conjuring the sluttiest of spells
The dead reckoning of their selfish greed
Heeded no warnings because I never saw the ugly
I always saw the beauty behind the mask.
My hippocampus short-circuited.
There would be no recall.
I was programmed to dump to /null
And in brief flashes I would come to:
Smiles in a mirror, a condom, her buttoning up her suspenders.
Even though my mind ended itself that night
I still gripped gratitude tight;
Lest karma catch me.
To all the Danielles; the children playing chemistry set; the greedy and the cowards:
Feel my pain.
My anguish.
My pride destroyed, her life’s bent and annoyed
My loss of control has left me a gaping hole
Where a beautiful memory should have been stored.
Instead of losing my virginity, I lost my sanity.
Instead of stealing hearts mine was robbed from me blind.
Instead of trust I woke with fear.
Instead of lust I approach with empty tears.
You cannot imagine my grief or my sadness
The madness of destroying I want to take me over.
Yet my life... it’s so over.
I thought I fucked up.
I thought.
I knew something wasn’t right...
And 7 years later, I awoke.
The dream became all too real:
In order for me to heal
I’ve had to come to terms with the germs
Infesting my mind becoming kind
And giving way to a cleansing in which
I could switch Quasimoto
Stand taller, let go of my foster mind
And believe I am no monster of any kind.
8 Jan 2020
~C
