When last I...
When last I exhaled your toxic fumes I was but a child
And now I stand here listening to all my thoughts gone wild.
I was absolutely sure, then and as now
I would never end my life
I would never grasp a knife
And penetrate the safest bounds
You might be wondering whereupon and how
My circumstances brought me here
To a destination that we all fear.
Death’s clutch apparently has me found.
I’ve tasted acrid memories
My armor’s rusted through and through
And I’ve sat amongst those memories
Wondering how much more substance I can chew.
It’s been said inside myself that life was never meant to be this tough
And I’d be lying to my Self if I once stopped giving much of a fuck.
An apathetic anomaly accentuated in purest form.
Never nimble, nor so simple,
Whichever mask I’ve chosen to be worn.
You’ll see inside the hall of mirrors an endless array of fears
Surrounded by the most curious circumstances ringing in your ears.
So take a breath, grasp my hand
I’ll have you take some rest
Here amongst the memories
Here safely nestled against my chest
Where the pounding of a lifelong march whispers defiantly
At the wisdom of a child who simply couldn’t see
Past the power inside his soul
Past the power’s incessant flow.
See, I never meant to harm myself
I accidentally wandered into this life
And now that I am a man
I can look back at all the chaos and the strife.
Someone close once whispered his final cry into the night...
“Happiness is a warm gun.”
And I sat there stunned
Because I understood his pain.
In the end he left this world a blood-soaked nightmare to behold.
And in the end his story left so much more to be told.
His absolute disgust and hatred for the images he could bear
Were dramatically magnified every time he gazed into a mirror.
When he chose to empty his pain into a bullet’s grace
He refused to ever believe there was beauty in his face.
I cried my tears and said my thanks
That this man was no longer among us
Because he now no longer could betray us.
Interrupting what once was I take you whole and present
Can you dance a dying lover’s dance?
What is required for you to take a chance?
How much work must be complete,
How many rooms filled with concrete,
And the bricks, and the mortar,
And the trowel, and the know-how
To lock away the past behind fancy walls
Cemented solid
Quite a squalid affair, I’d say.
When you see a loved one’s suffering written on their face
You needn’t wait for tolling bells to enter into their space
For no permission is required to be filled with love
And in that presence
You wrap your presents
And present them
In their presence.
Tell them that you love them
Tell them it will be alright
Tell them what they need to hear
To give them a break from the fright.
Hold their body close to yours such that you can honor light
Their quite possibly horrendous admission they’ve given up the fight.
Hold their mind in wisdom
Hold their soul in bathing light
See everything there is to see
See everything being bathed in white.
For your angel’s come to soothe you from all the ugliness you bear
I’ve come to rest you in peace, now take off that sweater there
Choking out your rhythm
Causing chaos and decay
Let loose the reins, let loose my love
I’ve manifested to be your way
Back into a comfort you once knew before you breathed
To love absolutely every inch of you
To breathe the sighs you’ve heaved.
I cannot explain to you what my love is meant to do
So I’m simply going to have to show you
All the wondrous, simple things that you are meant to.
Play the innocence of a child, imagine here with me
That you know nothing of life
Nothing of death
Nothing of consequence
To say nothing of the disastrous allowance
Free will has got you stuck in
So if it pleases me,
I’d ask for your hand
To be led
Sped far away from this nonsense
And when we land on foreign shores that you trust in me
Faith is undivided and only meant for me.
I am an angel sent to guide you on your path.
In a seemingly unstructured variation on what we call math.
I may not seem to be what you thought you’d see.
You’re going to have to put all of your trust in me.
~C~
29 Jan 18
No title.
